After Mustafar
by Morwen Tindomerel
Summary: An AU of events after the confrontation on Mustafar rewritten to fit my 'DaiMen Jinn' AU series. Possible spoilers thought I depart rather obviously from Lucas' version, as read in the novelization. Finished.
1. Dying to an Old Life

"Padme, Padme, wake up please."

Half awake I smiled. What a horrible dream, maybe I shouldn't tell Anakin about it, it would only upset him. I hoped I hadn't been crying out in my sleep. Then I opened my eyes and saw Obi-Wan's worried face hanging over me instead of my husband's and reality crashed in on me.

We weren't on Mustafar anymore and this bare, antiseptic little room wasn't aboard my skiff either. "Where are we?" I croaked, and began to cough.

Obi-Wan poured water into a glass and gave it to me, steadying it as I drank. "A medical center in the asteroid belt of Polis Massa." he said, answering my question.

I finished drinking and he put the glass aside. "Anakin?" I asked, or rather pleaded.

His face closed like a door. "Anakin is dead, Padme."

Dead. Dead. I'd lost my Anakin. I'd never see his smile or hear him say my name again. Dead. Gone. Dead. I felt empty, anchorless. Then rage surged through me filling my hollowness.

"You killed him!" I shrieked at Obi-Wan. "You killed him! Murderer! Murderer! I hate you! I hate you!" I pounded his chest with weak fists, screaming and sobbing like a madwoman. And he took it, solid and calm and immovable as the high cliffs of Naboo.

Finally he put his arms around me, holding me firmly as I leaned against him, exhausted, tears seeping into the rough cloth of his tunic. "I did not kill Anakin Skywalker." He said quietly. "The good man we both loved was already dead, Padme, destroyed by the Emperor. What we saw on Mustafar, what I killed, was a Sith a creature of the Dark Side."

"No," I whispered, "no."

Merciless he went on. "Would Anakin Skywalker have tried to kill you, his beloved wife?"

"No." I moaned, trying not to remember the alien, insane look on Anakin's face as he used the Force to choke the life out of me. "He was angry. He thought I'd betrayed him."

Obi-Wan said nothing. He didn't have to. We both knew that the man I'd married would never have used his powers against me no matter how hurt and angry he was. He would have listened to me, believed me...

"Padme." the steel was gone from Obi-Wan's voice, now he sounded only tired and sad. "I did what I had to do. I hope someday you can forgive me for it."

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry." I said miserably, then pulled away to look him in the face. "I know you loved him too. I didn't mean it, Obi-Wan, I'm not myself."

He smiled faintly but his eyes remained bleak. "Of course you're not. Neither am I for that matter." gently he pushed me back against the pillow. "Rest, Padme, you need to

regain your strength."

"You're right." I agreed, then a new fear struck me. "Obi-Wan, could you ask one of the medics to come in here? I have something I want to ask, something private."

"Of course." he said soothingly.

The medic - a funny, skinny little creature in a tight suit and featureless mask - reassured me and gave me a relaxant so I could sleep. My dreams were of Anakin, of the good times we'd had and how happy we'd been for all the universe was falling apart around us. Then I woke and remembered and cried again. Finally I dried my eyes, pulled myself together and sent for Obi-Wan.

I was out of bed, wearing a warm white robe over my loose nightgown, when he came in but he wasn't alone Yoda was with him. I didn't know the ancient Master very well, and was inclined to regard him as an opponent rather than a friend, but even so his appearance shocked me. Ears and shoulders both slumped and there was a pain in those gooseberry green eyes that spoke to my own. I had lost my husband, Yoda - and Obi-Wan - had lost everything; home, comrades and hope for the future and all at the hands of a man they'd loved and trained and trusted.

"Master Yoda, are you all right?" I asked.

He assayed a puckered smile. "Asking you that, I should be, Senator."

"Not really," I said, "and I don't suppose you are either."

Nobody said anything - there was nothing to say. None of us would ever be all right again and we knew it. Having Yoda there made what I had to say more difficult - but he had a right to know, as did Obi-Wan, and I was going to need both their help.

"Master Yoda," I said steadily, "I was married to Anakin Skywalker."

His eyes closed in pain and he shook his head. "Conflict that must have been, disobedience -"

"It was not disobedience." Obi-Wan said quietly. "He had the permission of his Master." Yoda's head snapped up and he glared but Obi-Wan just lifted a brow. "My marriage was also against the wishes of the Council." he reminded the old Master.

I almost smiled remembering what a shock it had been to learn that Obi-Wan was married to another Jedi and father of a son almost Anakin's age. Then my fragile, amusement was swallowed by a jolt of horror; Obi-Wan's wife and son were almost certainly dead - and here I'd been burdening him with my grief, my hysterics!

"Willful you both were." Yoda was saying resignedly. "To late for reproaches it is."

"I'm glad you feel that way, Master." I said as steadily as I could. "Not only was I Anakin's wife but I'm carrying his child."

Neither Jedi moved, they didn't even seem to be breathing. Suddenly I was terribly afraid would they think the child was stained by the father's evil, might they want to destroy it too? I wouldn't let them, this baby was all I had left of Anakin! But could I stop them? Then the fear left me, as abruptly as it had come. What was the matter with me? of course they'd do no such thing!

Obi-Wan said: "Are you sure." in a strange, flat voice.

"Yes. I'm beginning to show." I answered in a small voice, feeling foolishly embarrassed.

"Did Anakin know?" was Obi-Wan's next question.

My eyes filled with a rush of tears and it was a moment before I could answer. "No." I hadn't told him because I didn't want to add to his worries - and because I hadn't quite decided what to do about it myself. I'd meant to tell him on Mustafar but I hadn't had the chance.

"Thank the Force." Obi-Wan said fervently. "And thank you Padme!" he turned to Yoda in something like excitement. "Anakin's child, Master, heir to his powers - and maybe to his destiny too!"

Slowly the old Master nodded. "Yes, possible it is." he looked sharply at me. "Know about your marriage did Palpatine?"

"I don't know." I said. "I didn't tell him but Anakin might have."

"We can't take the chance." Obi-Wan said. "Padme you must not go back to Coruscant, or even home to Naboo. Palpatine is certain to regard Anakin's child as a threat."

It wasn't really a surprise, and I was so empty and numb that I almost didn't care, but: "Senator Amidala is too important to just disappear, my friends and my enemies would never stop looking until they'd found me." And I couldn't to that to my family. But there was another way, they'd grieve but at least they'd have closure. "Padme Amidala must die." I told the Jedi calmly. "I have an idea, but you must tell me if it can be done."

"Padme."

Once again I opened my eyes to see Obi-Wan leaning over me. But this time I wasn't in a medical bed but lying in a deep stone sarcophagus. I could see the lid, with its beautifully carved image in my likeness, leaning against the wall nearby.

"It worked?" I whispered.

He nodded and held out his hand to help me out of my grave. I shrugged off my shimmering burial cloak and climbed out then stood clinging to the corner of the sarcophagus as dizziness washed over me.

"I feel so weak."

"That's normal," he reassured me, "it will pass."

"The baby!" I cried in sudden fear, "is the baby all right?"

"They're fine." he answered. "Keep your voice down, Padme, you're dead remember?" Putting an arm around me he guided me to one of the mourner's chairs and sat me down. "Just rest for a moment."

He picked flowers from my hair, and bent to collect the ones that had fallen on the floor putting them back into the sarcophagus with the cloak. Then with a wave of his hand he floated the massive lid back into position.

I looked at the pure stone profile, cold and unfamiliar. That was how I would be remembered for all time; the wise and valiant queen and senator, beautiful and impervious. The people who came to visit my tomb would never guess at the fallible, often foolish woman behind the image. All memory of her would die with my family and the handful of handmaidens who'd known the real me.

Obi-Wan was wearing a dark, hooded mourning cloak of figured velvet, another was draped over the second mourner's chair. He picked it up. "Ready?"

I nodded. My head wasn't spinning anymore and I certainly didn't want to linger here! He took me out the little metal door tucked into the rear corner of the tomb, meant for workmen and inspectors. I stood, enveloped in the heavy velvet folds of my cloak, as Obi-Wan used the Force to lock and bolt it behind us. Trees pressed close around my tomb, hiding us in their shadows.

Obi-Wan took my arm, I was still shaky enough to be grateful for the support, and led me around to the front. I stopped dead; the space before the tomb was filled with shrouded mourners holding memorial lights, so many that they spilled out of the plaza, their twinkling lights visible far down the causeway and even in boats clustered around the island. I was stunned. I had seen King Narain's funeral back when I was still a student at the Royal Academy, people had stood vigil outside his tomb for days after his burial but not crowds like this!

"You were greatly loved, my Lady Amidala." Obi-Wan breathed softly.

I felt sick, I didn't deserve all this. I had given Palpatine the Chancellorship, it was my fault he was now Emperor. My fault that the Republic was dead - and my husband. Then I saw my parents and my sister Sola standing at the head of the crowd of mourners the lights they held showing their devastated faces.

"We could tell them the truth, Padme." Obi-Wan whispered in my ear. "It's not too late."

I took a deep breath. "No. No, they're never going to see me again, Obi-Wan. Better they think me dead then spend the rest of their lives wondering and worrying." But my voice shook on the last words.

"Go ahead and cry if you want to." he said gently. "This is a funeral."

So I did. I pulled the hood deep over my head and let the tears fall freely; for my family, for Anakin, and for the Republic as Obi-Wan steered me through the crowd. It was the best thing I could have done, nobody paid the least attention to an overwrought woman being taken home by her husband or brother.

I had cried myself out by the time we got back to our transport, not my skiff of course but the homely YT-1300 freighter Yoda had used to escape Coruscant. The boarding ramp was down and Anakin's apprentice, Raj Palpatine, was waiting for us at its foot. I gave him a watery smile that didn't deceive him for a second. It's not easy to fool even a thirteen year old Jedi.

I had been so glad to see him on Polis Massa, one more person I cared about saved from the ruins of my old life. But poor Raj had been in the Temple when it was attacked and the memory of that horror showed in his eyes. Obi-Wan had cut off the identifying Padawan braid and they both wore ship suits instead of Jedi Robes.

Standing in the glow of light from the freighter's interior I turned to Obi-Wan, he would not be coming with us. "Be careful." I said, and then a little awkwardly; "May the Force be with you."

He smiled. "And with you, Padme." he turned to go but in that split second something he'd said back in my tomb suddenly registered and I caught at his cloak as it belled around him.

"They!"

"I beg your pardon." he said with totally fake incomprehension.

"You said 'they'. When I asked you if the baby was all right you said 'they' were fine."

"Did I?" he asked innocently, eyes glinting teasingly.

I stamped my foot. "Obi-Wan Kenobi you tell me what you meant this minute!"

"Shhh. Don't say that name so loud." he cautioned, but with laughter rather than alarm in his voice. "I thought you wanted to be surprised?"

"Obi-Wan...!" I said threateningly, but more softly.

He gave in. "You're carrying twins, Padme, a boy and a girl."

I stared at him. Twins. A boy like Anakin and a girl like me. For the first time since that horrible moment on Mustafar I felt joy - and that maybe, just maybe, life without Anakin might be endurable after all.


	2. A New Life

"Oh, my lady, I'm so relieved to see you safe! Cee Threepio exclaimed as I entered the main hold. Artoo Detoo bleeped his own welcome.

I scraped up a smile from somewhere for Anakin's droids. "Thank you both but everything went exactly as planned, so there's nothing for any of us to worry about now."

"I'm very glad to hear that." said Threepio with some emphasis, then added: "You know Master Anakin counted on us to take care of you for him, my lady, and though we're only droids we do try."

"And you do very well." I said soothingly, trying not to show my distress at the mention of Anakin's name. "You've both been invaluable to me."

"Thank you, my lady." said Threepio, pleased. And Artoo gave a long cheerful whistle.

I changed out of my burial robes in one of the tiny crew cabins then joined Raj in the cockpit. "Where are we going?" I asked, slipping into the co-pilot's seat.

"I don't know exactly." he confessed. "Master Yoda just gave me a set of co-ordinates, no planet name."

I leaned forward and called up the numbers then fed them into the nav-computer. It buzzed and clicked and produced a flashing 'no match'. I blinked, double checked, and frowned. "According to the computer those co-ordinates mark a spot about five hundred parsecs above the galactic plane and there's absolutely nothing there."

"Maybe we're going to rendezvous with another ship?" Raj offered.

"Maybe." I forced myself to shrug it off. "Master Yoda must know what he's doing."

"Mmm." said Raj, not altogether encouragingly.

'Everything I've done, I've done for you.' Anakin said, his eyes glowing red with reflections of the lava pools.

My own eyes popped open. "That doesn't make any sense!"

"M'lady?" Raj looked at me, startled.

"I was remembering what Anakin said to me on Mustafar." I explained. "He said he'd done it all for me and he talked about us ruling the galaxy together...but I never wanted that kind of power and he knew it!"

Raj frowned. "I can't believe he wanted it either. Master Anakin never talked about ruling, only about the power of the Force."

"He said the Sith way had made him more powerful than any Jedi." I said, but Raj shook his head firmly.

"No." he said with quiet confidence. "That's not possible. The Sith way can only destroy, it cannot build or heal." suddenly the certainty on his face faded into puzzlement. "Master Anakin was a maker, a creator, not a destroyer. The Sith way offers nothing that he would want."

It was my turn to shake my head, abandoning the puzzle. It didn't matter now Anakin was dead. "It was Palpatine," I said bitterly. "somehow he twisted Anakin's nature, turned him against his better self." Raj looked back out the canopy, mouth tightening. I hesitated a moment, then asked anyway: "Raj, exactly what relation are you to the Emperor?"

"Second cousin once removed - or so he said." the boy shrugged a little, still not looking at me. "But I don't know if I should believe anything he told me now."

"Do you know anything else about your family," I persisted, "your parents' names, where they lived on Naboo?"

Another shrug. "I never thought to ask. The records must have been lost with the Temple so now I'll never know."

"I'm sorry." I said.

"I don't care about that." he said vehemently to the whiteness of hyperspace. "The Jedi were my family, Master Anakin was like my father!" he still wouldn't look at me but I could see the tears gathering in his eyes.

"He was my husband," I said softly, "but he tried to kill me too."

Slowly Raj let out a long breath. "That's what I really find hard to believe." finally he turned to look at me, brow creased in a puzzled frown. "I can see Master turning against the Jedi, and even against Obi-Wan and me because we're Jedi, but not against you. He didn't just love you, m'lady, he believed in you, and in your love."

Now it was my turn to blink back tears. "That's what I always thought too."

We kept watch in the cockpit as long as we were within Republic - I mean Imperial - territory, not quitting it until we'd left the galactic plane for the empty wastes of the void. Artoo and Threepio were waiting for us in the main hold, the latter seated at a corner table, the former doing something to an open circuit panel.

"Are you hungry, m'lady?" Raj asked.

"Yes." I said, in some surprise - my life was in ruins but I was hungry. It must be my condition.

"There's nothing but ration concentrates I'm afraid," he said apologetically, "bland but nutritious."

"That'll be fine. And, Raj, call me Padme I'm not a senator anymore."

He grinned suddenly, the first time he'd done so since Polis Massa. "Actually I should be calling you your majesty. They said on the net that you were buried as a queen."

"Queen?" Threepio echoed. "Oh dear, have I been guilty of a solecism? Please forgive me your royal highness!"

"No, Threepio," I said firmly, "I'm not a queen either, Raj was just joking." I mock glared at the boy. "I want to be called Padme, please, by both of you."

Raj's grin broadened but he said. "Yes, Padme."

"Of course, as you wish, Mistress Padme." said Threepio.

The ship dropped out of hyperspace and we found ourselves floating in the black inter-galactic voice above a dazzling whirlpool of stars. There was no other ship, nor anything else to be seen by eye or sensor.

"There's nothing here." I said, trying not to sound worried.

"Yes there is." Raj had that look - the one Jedi get when they're getting messages from the Force. "I can feel it." he touched the controls and we surged forward.

My eyes shifted apprehensively from Raj's rapt face, to the blackness outside our canopy and back again. And then, suddenly, space rippled and parted and there was a small white dwarf star with a necklace of jewel toned planets; deep blue, verdant green, bright red and luminous gold. I gasped.

"Incredible," Raj muttered, "a whole star system shielded against detection."

The communications system fizzled and Master Yoda's holographic image appeared, small and blue, hovering over the tiny stage. "Welcome you are." he said. "To the second planet come. Follow the beacon to the landing field you will."

"Yes, Master." said Raj. Yoda disappeared and he turned to me, blue eyes practically spitting sparks of excitement. "You know what that is out there? Yoda's home world!"

Nobody in the Republic, or even the Jedi Order, had ever known where Yoda and his handful of compatriots came from - until now. I understood Raj's excitement but felt rather more apprehension at the prospect of spending the next eighteen or twenty years surrounded by Yodas.

The surface of the second planet, the green one, seemed to be mostly marshland; little islets of grass fringed with reeds and rushes, divided one from the other by channels of sluggish water thick with flowering water plants, and dotted here and there by clumps of low trees with trailing fronds and what seemed to be stacks of green rushes. But above all this flat country rose a steep cone of a mountain, obviously volcanic in origin. Extinct I hoped!

The landing field proved to be in its shadow, a wide field of short cropped grass with a metal beacon tower and one or two little round craft parked at its edge. The tiny figure waiting near the tower was instantly recognizable as Master Yoda. He stood, leaning on his wooden staff watching us disembark and come towards him.

"Welcome to Whillowan you are, Senator Amidala." he said with a bow towards me."

"Thank you Master, but please call me Padme. I'm no longer a senator - or a queen." I added with a sidelong look at Raj.

"And I no longer a Master am, but a student." said Yoda. He shot a sharp look at Raj. "Surprises you does that, Youngling?"

"Yes, Master it does." the boy admitted frankly.

Yoda chuckled a little. "Always there is more to learn, no matter how old one becomes." suddenly he turned sad. "Forgot that I did for far too long."

"You mustn't blame yourself, Master." I said earnestly.

"No?" he looked back at me, ears rising. "Who then should I blame, hmmm?"

"Palpatine!" I answered emphatically.

He nodded. "True. True that is. Cunning is Palpatine and hard to see is the Dark Side." now it was my turn to get a piercing glance. "Blame myself I will not, if blame yourself you do not, Padme."

I squared my shoulders. "You're right, Master. I've shed enough tears over my mistakes. Vain regrets aren't going to help my children or save the galaxy."

That won me a look of warm approval, the first I'd ever received from that quarter. "Without remorse, without regret." he said like he was quoting somebody.

Yoda ushered us into a narrow boat made of bundles of reeds. Raj and I were ordered to sit as still as possible in the middle of it while Yoda stood in the stern poling us along. I discovered the stacks of reeds I'd seen from the air were actually the thatched domes of small cottages with white plastered walls and round little windows and doors peeping out from beneath their overhanging roofs. But the people who lived in the little houses remained invisible, though wisps of smoke floated from the pipe like chimneys and strange odors wafted out of the open doors.

"Mealtime this is." said Yoda. "Get you something better than concentrates to eat we will once home we are."

'Home' I thought looking around at that strange flat, watery landscape. 'This is going to be my home from now on.' Mine and my babies'. It wasn't at all the sort of home I'd dreamed of - which wouldn't have mattered a bit if only their father had been with us. Tears threatened but I determinedly blinked them back. This place was wet enough without my adding to it!

I remembered what Yoda had said; 'Without remorse, without regret.' Heartless as it sounded he was right. Remorse and regret could only keep me from doing my job, which at the moment was carrying my twins safely to term. And that meant eating and sleeping and exercising like a sensible woman and trying to maintain a serene and steady frame of mind - however difficult that last might be!

We finally landed on a little islet some distance from the mountain with a stand of the willow like trees at one end and little yellow flowers blossoming among the grass. There were two cottages; one just a few steps away from the mooring place and the other near the trees.

Yoda led us towards the latter; "Your house this will be, Padme."

The door was oval instead of round and I only had to duck my head a little to enter. Inside it was more spacious than I had expected with a high domed ceiling that meant I could stand upright. A platform with a mattress and a soft green coverlet took up one side of the circular room. There was a human sized wicker chair and table, rush mats to cover the floor and a little Yoda sized cook space tucked away in the back.

There was also a person standing in the middle of it all; small and green skinned and big eared like Yoda but also slim and young and female with a mane of thistledown fine white hair and wearing Jedi robes of cream and yellow brown.

"Yedda, this is." Yoda announced. "Look after you she will, Padme."

"Thank you, Master, but I can look after myself." I said, softening the refusal with a smile at the girl.

Yoda gave one of his snorts. "Know you how to find food on Whillowan and how to cook it?" he asked pointedly. "Know how to make reed cloth and repair a thatched roof do you?"

"No, Master." I admitted meekly.

"Then take care of yourself you cannot!" he said. And that settled that.

"Yes, Master." I said, even more meekly. "And thank you, Yedda."


	3. Settling In

Having disposed of me Yoda turned abruptly on Raj. "Hmmm. Kept up with your exercises have you, Young One?"

"I'm afraid not, Master." the boy confessed, and who could blame him with what had been happening?

Yoda apparently. He frowned disapprovingly, ears sloping downward. "Fix that we will, come along, come along." he headed for the door without so much as a farewell glance. Raj flung me a look of comical resignation and followed, leaving me alone with Yedda - who had yet to say a word.

I forced an encouraging smile. "So, Yedda, tell me about yourself. You are a Jedi?"

"A very new Jedi am I." she said. "Send me to the Temple my parents would not. Master Yoda when he returned took me as Padawan he did."

Her parents' refusal had undoubtedly saved Yedda's life, but I didn't say so. No doubt she knew it only too well. "I'm afraid looking after me is going to interfere with your training," I said, "I'm sorry."

"Oh no!" the girl protested. "To serve first lesson is. Need anything now do you, Senator?"

"Padme, please." I corrected then looked ruefully down at the oversized ship suit I was wearing. "And I need practically everything, I'm afraid. Starting with some clothes."

Yedda proved to be good company. Once her shyness wore off she chattered happily, telling me all sorts of interesting things about her people and their lives and taking my mind off my own troubles - which I suspected was Yoda's real reason for giving her to me. She immediately produced yards and yards of 'reed cloth', a soft nappy fabric apparently made from a special kind of reed in varying thicknesses and dyed bright cheerful colors and helped me sew them into long, rather shapeless dresses.

Our days soon fell into a regular pattern: Yedda and I spent our mornings sitting under the trees at the edge of our islet fishing for the day's food . I already knew how to fish but I'd never had such luck before, we invariably filled our baskets before mid-morning. I wondered if Yedda was somehow using the Force but didn't like to ask.

After taking our catch home and cleaning it we would cross our little islet to call on Master Yoda who lived with Raj in the second cottage. I would be given a cup of treebark tea and sit sipping it while Yoda put his two students through their 'exercises'. This was not at all boring to watch as it involved levitating various objects in and around the hut, sometimes including me!

Raj would come home with us for lunch. Yedda made delicious meals from our daily catch and the things she bought at market but Yoda limited himself to an austere vegetarian diet which even he admitted was unsuitable for growing younglings - and pregnant women too.

Afternoons were given over to household chores. On laundry days we would wash clothes and blankets and sheets. The Whills made no use of technology - like some of our own country people on Naboo - so the wash was done in a big wooden box that needed to be cranked. First you'd put in the clothes and some soap powder, then you'd pour in a kettle water heated over the kitchen stove, close the lid and turn the crank steadily for an hour - Yedda and I took turns doing that. Then you opened a drain at the bottom of the box and let the dirty water flow out, added another kettle of hot water to rinse and turned the crank for half hour until all the soap was worked out. The wet clothes had to be thoroughly wrung and then spread over the grass to dry before being folded away with sweet smelling herbs.

On baking days we would make bread out of the greeny-yellow flour ground from yet another variety of reed. The dough was mixed in a big pottery bowl, allowed to rise, then kneaded, rolled out and formed into little round cakes or long sticks which were baked in a clay oven in the middle of our islet which we shared with Yoda and Raj. The little Master prided himself on his bread. Personally I couldn't taste any difference between his and Yedda's, both were chewy and a little sour, but of course I didn't say so.

Brewing days were dedicated to making a curious thick beer that was as sour as the bread and took a lot of getting used to. But I had to drink it because the water was not safe. The first stages of beer brewing were exactly like making bread; you mixed dough and let it rise but instead of popping it into the oven you crumbled it and mixed it with water to make a thick mash which you then put into a vat to stand for a few days. But first you'd empty the vat of the now fermented beer from the last brewing day, strain it and pour it into jars. Even after straining the stuff was still so thick I would drink mine through a straw.

Cleaning day meant taking up all the rush mats and giving the clay floor beneath a thorough sweeping, then gathering rushes and weaving new mats to put down. Yedda would scrub out her little kitchen and I would dust my table and chair and the hanging shelves where we kept spare garments and various jars and boxes.

It wasn't very hard work but it did keep hands and mind occupied, which was exactly what I needed. Nor was it all work; on market days Yedda would pole us over to the big meadow in the shadow of the mountain where the Whills met to trade. They didn't use money at all but bartered one set of goods for another. Yedda made more beer than we could drink and used the extra for trade and Master Yoda would send some of his bread. People always seemed eager to get it so maybe he was as good a baker as he said he was!

We would trade our bread and beer for flour and herbs, vegetables and fruits we couldn't find on our own islet or the ones nearby.

Those Whills who weren't Jedi liked to dress in bright colors, yellows and greens were especially favored, and wore long tunics over short breeches with sashes around their middles and cloaks over their shoulders. Some wore small pointy hats but most twisted their hair, which could be yellow or brown as well as white, into complicated topknots

often decorated with ribbons and flowers.

Everybody was very kind to poor Mistress Skywalker, widowed and driven from her home by the Emperor. And nobody ever said a word about my being a senator or Anakin's fall. Maybe they didn't know, or maybe they were just being tactful but whichever it was I was grateful for the lack of reminders.

I was trying very hard to forget my old life, though not Anakin - never that! But I concentrated on remembering the good not the horrible end of our love. Obi-Wan was right, what we'd seen on Mustafar hadn't been my Ani and I mustn't think of him but of the little boy I'd met on Tatooine all those years ago and the young Jedi Knight I'd married.

After doing our marketing, and sharing a cup of tea or two with friends, we'd pole ourselves over to the landing field so I could see Threepio and Artoo. The soft ground and many channels had convinced me the droids should stay on the ship, besides there was nothing for them to do on our islet. But because they weren't just machines like most of their kind I felt I had to visit regularly so they wouldn't feel abandoned.

Of course they hadn't questioned my decision but they were always glad to see me. Threepio would chatter away about the repairs they were making and complain about the freighter's odd accent with Artoo whistling and chirping accompaniment. And I would tell them about the long, squirming greeny-black thing I'd caught the day before or about learning to bake Whill bread and assure them I was being well taken care of and as happy as it was possible for me to be under the circumstances.

At nightfall Raj and Yoda would both join us for dinner - though Yoda would eat only his own vegetable stew. Afterwards we'd sit outside under the black sky with its three bright stars and wait for the galaxy to rise and illuminate the marshlands with a soft silver-golden light. And Yoda would tell us stories about the peoples and planets he'd seen in his long life, tales which I'm sure were part of Raj and Yedda's instruction but I simply enjoyed as stories.

At long last the day would end with me snuggled in my blankets on my sleeping platform, Yedda in her own cubbyhole near the kitchen, and a single rush-light left burning. And I'd whisper to my babies, telling them stories about their father, their grandparents and my own childhood until I fell asleep, lulled by the good memories.

This peaceful existence was marred by one nagging worry, where was Obi-Wan? I'd gathered he meant to try to find other surviving Jedi and realized that that wouldn't be a quick or easy mission, but as the weeks passed with no sign of him I became more and more concerned. I didn't say anything, what was the point? Yoda and Raj didn't know any more than I did what might be delaying Obi-Wan. And I reminded myself he was one of the best Jedi who ever lived and had already survived several attempts to kill him - but still I worried. Until one wash day as Yedda and I were spreading the clean clothes out to dry a vast winged shadow passed over us and I looked up to see my senatorial skiff skimming overhead towards the landing field.

I dropped the basket of clothes I was holding and ran towards the second cottage shouting, "Master Yoda! Master Yoda! Obi-Wan is back."

"Yes, yes." he said appearing in the door of his house. "Felt his presence we have. Come, to landing field we will go."

My skiff had been remodeled on Polis Massa, the highly polished chrome surface removed and replaced with standard hull plates painted yellow and white. Nubian ships were common enough, with the special royal plating removed nobody would give mine a second glance.

It settled lightly on the landing field next to the old freighter and the gangway lowered. Suddenly a bevy of very small people in Jedi dress erupted from within, running to Yoda with glad cries. I saw they were children, perhaps four or five years old, a Human boy and girl, a horned Zabrak boy, a Rystall girl with bushy red hair and a fair, frail little creature with tiny wings. To my astonishment the crusty old Master returned their hugs and soothed their tears with the affectionate gentleness of a doting grandfather.

I was so fascinated by the sight I didn't even notice Obi-Wan until he spoke to me. "How are you, Padme?"

I tore my eyes away and turned to him with a smile. "Pretty well, much better than I expected to be." then I saw he was holding a sixth child, a baby a few months under a year old if I was any judge, who looked at me with big, blinking eyes as blue as Obi-Wan's. "Hello there!" I said to that solemn stare, my name's Padme, what's yours?"

"Mei-Qan." Obi-Wan answered for her, "my granddaughter."

My eyes snapped up glare accusingly into his. "You're not old enough to be a grandfather!"

He laughed a little. "Oh yes I am, just barely. We both married very young my son and I."

I glanced up the gangway behind him. "Is your son -?"

"No. He and his mother chose a different path. But we agreed Mei-Qan would be safer with me."

I gave a little sigh of relief. At least Obi-Wan's family was still intact. I was glad he'd managed to save that much from the ruins of the Jedi Order.

Meanwhile Yoda and Raj had herded the little ones into the first of our two boats. "Come, come!" the old Master called over his shoulder. "Going home we are. Come, Padme, Obi-Wan!"

Obi-Wan let me hold little Mei-Qan as Yedda poled us back to our islet. After a long, silent consideration the baby decided in my favor, gave me a smile and began talking away as unintelligibly as Artoo Detoo. I talked back holding a pretend conversation about the cottages, washday, and what kind of things she could expect to eat.

Obi-Wan watched and listened with amusement. "You're going to make a good mother, Padme." he said while his granddaughter meditated on my description of worzelberry jam.

"I hope so." I said. "But Obi-Wan, where did you find these little ones?"

His smile vanished. "In the hands of the Emperor. He killed the older children but spared the Initiates too young for formal training. Properly conditioned they would have made him valuable servants."

I shuddered at the thought. "Thank goodness you got them back."

"The Force was with us." he said quietly.


	4. Ill News

Back home on our islet we fed the little ones bread smothered in jam and honey then put them down for a nap in Yoda's house - which was just big enough for all of them thanks to the sleeping loft, a normal feature of Whill cottages that had been left out of mine for the sake of headroom. Leaving Yedda to watch over the children Yoda, Raj and I withdrew to my cottage to hear Obi-Wan's news. It wasn't good.

"We gathered some fifty Jedi for the rescue," he told us, "nearly half were killed but I'm sure there are others out there."

"Hiding they are, as instructed, I hope." said Yoda. Obi-Wan hesitated, Yoda closed his eyes in resignation. "Some will not hide." It was not a question.

"Seig and Tygan are recruiting a force to challenge the new order." Obi-Wan admitted. "Many of the others have joined them, including Ryma and Ken-Gon - that's my wife and son." he added to me.

My stomach cramped in dread and Yoda clearly shared my misgivings. "Succeed they cannot," he said shaking his head, "not without the Star."

"We can't know that for sure, Master." Obi-Wan said quietly. "They feel they must try."

Yoda sighed heavily, the big ears drifting downwards. "Understand I do." he said sadly. "Servants of the Republic they are, guardians of peace and justice."

More war. More death. "The people won't follow them." I said. "They're tired, they want the peace and stability the Emperor promises - and they don't care about the price."

"Someday they will." Obi-Wan said gently, but with conviction. Then he turned to Yoda. "Seig knows the odds are against them, Master, but his feelings tell him it is worth attempting. At the very least they may lay the groundwork for a future resistance."

Slowly Yoda nodded. "True. True that is." then he gave Obi-Wan one of his piercing looks. "Something else there is." again it was no question.

"Yes, Master." he answered, Jedi control cracked and Obi-Wan looked as miserable as an ordinary human being. "Vader survived. We encountered him during the rescue."

It took me a moment to recognize the name - then I did and my heart gave a sickening lurch. "Anakin is alive!"

"No, Padme." Obi-Wan said firmly. "Anakin Skywalker is dead. Vader is a thing - more machine than man. An evil, twisted cyborg like Grievous."

"Your husband he is not." Yoda said sternly. "Forget that and endanger yourself and your children you will."

Then Obi-Wan added with grim gentleness: "Padme, Vader thinks you're dead. He believes he killed you and he's glad of it. You betrayed him and he hates your memory."

I bowed my head, fighting back tears. I believed him but I also thought - bitterly - that it was cruel of him to tell me such things. But then the other, sensible Padme who also lives in my skin reminded me that Obi-Wan was saying these hurtful things for my own good. I must not nurse false hopes of reconciliation and reunion. I must accept that my Anakin was as lost to me as if he truly were dead. The twins moved uneasily in my womb, upset by the turmoil in my mind. I struggled to calm myself for their sakes.

"I understand." I choked out. Obi-Wan and Yoda exchanged sad looks and said no more.

Raj, Obi-Wan and baby Mei-Qan slept in my cottage that night. Yoda somehow managed to squeeze himself into his own with the younglings. It was clear we were going to need much more room.

The next morning Yedda and I emerged from our house, fishing poles and baskets in hand, to see a large number of Whills unloading three big rafts moored to the bank between Yoda's cottage and our own. They made piles of long wooden poles, and of shorter flexible strips with the bark still on them, and with shovels almost as big as themselves heaped up a regular mountain of wet gray clay.

Yoda had emerged from his cottage to supervise the unloading, with the younglings watching bright eyed behind him. I turned to Yedda, "What -?"

"For the new cottage." she answered, then frowned a little. "More than one we might need."

Definitely.

The raftsmen finished their unloading, exchanged a few words with Yoda then departed. The children promptly made a beeline for the mound of clay. The old Master, instead of calling them back came to join Yedda and me.

"Another cottage we will build for Obi-Wan and little Mei-Qan." he said to us. "A room we will add to mine for the younglings." ears and eyebrows lifted as if asking for comments.

"That sounds reasonable." I said, eyes on the children now happily making hand and foot prints all over the smooth bank of clay and clawing up bits to mold into various shapes.

Yoda followed my gaze. "No harm are they doing." he said tranquilly. "Need to play and explore new things, Younglings do."

"Yes, Master." I agreed dutifully but dubiously.

I had always imagined the Jedi as being very strict and demanding with their apprentices but Yoda and Obi-Wan showed no sign of it that day. Baby Mei-Qan promptly joined the other children on the clay mound while her grandfather and Yoda picked a site for the new house and dug up a circle of grass for its foundation, then dug another against the rear wall of Yoda's cottage. Yedda and I got on with our fishing but Raj promptly joined in the fun as the younglings slid down the clay hill to the detriment of their clothes and faces and hair.

Yoda didn't seem to notice the clayey condition of his padawans when he called them over to do their exercises but duly admired the handfuls of models they had to show him before settling down to business. Little Mei-Qan, gray and glistening from head to foot with her hair sticking up in spikes, remained alone on the mound intently fitting her tiny hands and feet into the multitudinous prints.

I walked over to Obi-Wan, sitting cross-legged in the grass watching poles and sticks and clay models bob through the air over the intent heads of Master and pupils. "Your granddaughter," I told him, "is a mess."

He glanced casually towards the mound. "So she is." he agreed serenely, then arched a brow at me. "Does it matter?"

"I guess not." I sighed and sat down next to him. "It's just at my school they were very strict about being neat and well groomed at all times."

"The Naboo Academy was training royalty, naturally appearances mattered a great deal." he pointed out reasonably. "We are training Jedi and appearances matter very little to us."

"So I see. Looks like today's going to be a wash day." I glanced at him sidelong. "So, Obi-Wan, what Ancient Master in his infinite wisdom decided white was an appropriate color for Jedi tunics?"

He laughed. "I have no idea. But it's not a hard and fast rule. We can dress the Younglings in a more practical color if you prefer."

"Like gray maybe?" I suggested.

Yoda, like Obi-Wan, apparently had no objection to his pupils shedding chips of dried clay for the rest of the day but he bowed good humoredly to my insistence that they wash.

This was done by dumping buckets of channel water over giggling children as they gleefully rubbed at each others faces. Their hair was definitely going to require further attention but that would have to come later as we had a busy afternoon ahead of us. After drying the children off Yedda and I dressed them, after a fashion, in oddments left over from my dressmaking.

By the time we'd finished neighbors had arrived from all the nearby islets and the house raising was well underway. Our youngling Jedi were promptly set to weaving mats of rushes alongside a bevy of young Whills.

A thick layer of clay was spread over the bare earth then covered with smoldering charcoal from Yedda's stove and Yoda's. While the clay floors fired a circle of posts was hammered into the ground around each and other poles lashed to their tops and bent to form the rafters of the domed roofs. Wooden hoops were tied into place to form window and door frames and then everybody set to work weaving the wicker strips between posts and frames to form the walls.

My job was to pour tea or beer for the workers and pass out rolls stuffed with fish and or vegetables. When the plastering of the walls began the younglings joined in with a will, and soon were almost as bedaubed as before their baths.

Yoda came over for a cup of tea. "Wasted your efforts are," he said, eyes twinkling, as I poured. "Waited till evening you should have."

"Not at all." I said stoutly. "At least there'll be only one layer to remove, not two. And they would have needed a hot bath anyway."

Ears and eyebrows rose. "Hot bath? No tub big enough do we have."

"Oh yes we do." I said, and refused to say one word more.

After the thatching was completed our guests departed with warm thanks from all. Then the Jedi all disappeared inside the new buildings to paint the walls and lay rush mats, and I set to work on my own project.

By the time the younglings emerged, now spattered with whitewash on top of the clay, I was all set. "Children," I called, "come here please." One thing you've got to say for Jedi training, it certainly inculcates obedience; all five promptly trotted over to me, eyes bright with questions but asking none.

"Now we are going to take a nice hot bath." I told them, and herded them around the back of my cottage, trailed by curious adult Jedi, to behold a pool full of gently steaming water with bowls of soap and heaps of towels set around its edges.

Yedda gasped. "Padme, our beer vat that is!"

"I know." I answered calmly. "It had to be thoroughly scrubbed out anyway."

Obi-Wan shook his head with a wry smile but Yoda laughed out loud. "Inventive and ingenious our Mistress Skywalker is."

"Thank you, Master." I said demurely, but with a pleasant feeling of having gotten the better of my wise and venerable friend.


	5. The Younglings

It wasn't until after a late dinner that Yoda finally got around to formally introducing our new charges to me - and me to them. The little Zabrak was named Uthr Deth, he had a crown of tiny horns sticking up through his short cropped black hair but no tattoos as yet. the Human boy was Tam Shadowstalker and the girl, dark as he was fair, was Vita Nyree. The Rystalli's name was Keri and she had the usual brush of red hair but not the throat and chest spots I had always thought were natural coloration. The little girl with wings was the loveliest creature I'd ever seen in my life, slender and ethereal with a cloud of pale curls and huge, velvety black eyes, and her name was just as beautiful; Aiolian.

"And this is Mistress Skywalker." said Yoda.

"Master Skywalker's wife!" Vita exclaimed, green eyes round with something like horror. The others looked equally shocked, then tried to hide it.

Uthr nudged her. "Shut up!"

"I know what happened at the Temple." I said as steadily as I could over the pounding of my heart. "You saw my husband there?"

"Padme," Yoda interrupted warningly, "cause yourself more pain you will."

"With so much already what does a little more matter?" I asked him bitterly, then to the children; "What did you see?"

They exchanged uneasy glances. Finally Tam spoke up. "We were hiding in the Council Chamber, us and Nole and Dai-Si and Denni. We were really, really scared. Then Master Skywalker walked in. We came out and asked him what to do." Tam gulped. "He - he told us to follow him so we did - even though he felt wrong -"

"But everything else did too." Keri put in.

"At the bottom of the tower we walked right into a whole lot of Clonetroopers and Master Skywalker said - said -"

"He said 'Take them away'," Uthr finished for him, in a voice far to bitter for a small child. "And they grabbed us but Nole and Dai-Si and Denni tried to run back up the tower -"

"- And Master Skywalker killed them!" Aiolian wailed, tears overflowing those beautiful eyes.

"He just cut them down with his saber." Tam choked out and began to cry too, along with the other little ones.

I thought I would vomit. Obi-Wan'd told me Anakin had killed younglings but I hadn't really believed it - until now. How could I possibly love a man who would do such a thing? I had been wrong about Anakin, completely wrong. The father of my children was a monster and all the sweet memories nothing but lies. Sobs choked me. "I'm sorry." I managed, hugging the children - whether to comfort them or myself I don't know, "so very sorry."

Our new charges brought activity and excitement into a life that had become all too monotonously peaceful - possibly a little too much excitement. And their presence revealed Yoda in a new and endearing light. I never would have believed it but the cantankerous elder of the Jedi Council was absolutely wonderful with children. He soothed their nightmares and fits of tears as tenderly as any grandfather, and quickly established a routine meant to restore their sense of security.

Like Yedda and me, and now Obi-Wan and Raj, the little ones spent the first hours of the morning catching fish for the hearty meals - fit for growing younglings - that Yoda now cooked alongside his own thin vegetable fare. This was followed by mid-morning exercises consisting of 'games' the old Master played along with his pupils - games very unlike those of ordinary small children.

'Pick up pebble' involved one child levitating pebbles, nuts and other small objects while the others - including Yoda - did their best to distract him. Sometimes they would pair off and try to read each others' minds and feelings or play a ball game in which the ball moved without the aid of hands or feet. Other times they played a form of tag involving prodigious jumps and bursts of speed or spent a quiet hour sitting in Yoda's little vegetable garden encouraging the plants to grow.

Obi-Wan took over Raj and Yedda's training. His lessons involved a good deal of sparring with lightsabers which was quite unnerving to watch. Not that I had much chance to watch as it was my job to look after the baby while her grandfather was distracted and that was no sinecure! Mei-Qan could sit quietly for an hour or more at a time, intent on a leaf or flower or fish skeleton, but I quickly learned I mustn't take my eyes off her even for a moment as she might go shooting off on hands and knees whenever the fancy took her.

After their exercises the younglings would help prepare lunch, which we now had en-mass picnic style on the short cropped lawn between our houses, and with the washing up. But after that they were free to play until dinnertime.

At first they were understandably clingy; Tam, Aiolian and Vita attached themselves to me, while Uthr and Keri chose to tag after Raj. Sweet as they were two of my little shadows cost me a pang every time I looked at them. Tam was not only blond and blue eyed like Anakin but had a childish crush on me, just as Ani had. And our exquisite little Aiolian was a real Angel of Iego, a living reminded of my husband's first words to me.

But after a few days the children felt secure enough to become venturesome, and our troubles began.

First of all they built themselves a raft. I found out about it when a loud splash and a chorus of gleeful shrieks brought me running to the mooring place, just in time to see three soaked little girls wade ashore followed by the two boys pulling the overturned raft.

This had been constructed from poles and wicker strips left over from our house raising and had long wooden objects attached to the bottom. It took me a moment to identify these.

"Our kneading troughs!" I cried.

Little Tam started, then looked guilty. "Oh. They're yours, Mistress Skywalker?"

"They were just lying around so we thought nobody wanted them." Keri, put in quickly.

"They were drying in the sun after being scrubbed." I told them grimly.

All five hung their heads. "Change into dry clothes you will," Master Yoda said tranquilly from behind me. "Then thoroughly wash and return the kneading troughs to Mistress Skywalker." I turned to find the old Master regarding us all with amused benevolence. "After that show you how to make a proper raft I will."

"Yes, Master." The little ones trotted off to Yoda's cottage to change.

"Is that really a good idea?" I asked. "They might get into trouble."

"Know how to swim they do, and no dangerous animals there are on Whillowan." Yoda assured me calmly. "Safe they will be."

As a matter of fact it wasn't their safety I was worried about. An experienced aunt I was very well aware of how much trouble even the sweetest little children can cause. But if I was apprehensive as I watched our younglings paddle off on their new raft the next afternoon I was the only one. Yoda and Obi-Wan seemed unaccountably happy to let five four year olds wander unsupervised around our watery world.

But anxious as I was not even I dreamed that our little darlings had anything to do with the column of smoke that appeared mysteriously on the horizon some hours later. Yedda and Yoda were as puzzled as we Humans but nobody was very concerned since the fire couldn't spread beyond its own islet.

It wasn't until dinnertime that the mystery was solved. The raft returned manned by smoke blackened, soot stained younglings and accompanied by a boat with two equally smudgy male Whills in it.

"We didn't mean any harm." Aiolian explained tearfully to an assembled audience of Jedi Masters, Apprentices and one Jedi Widow. "We found a big bank of clay and we decided to make some bowls and things -"

"This is for you," Tam interrupted, pushing his way through the others to present me with a large, slightly lopsided bowl of half fired clay decorated with an intricate pattern of incised lines, "to make up for the kneading troughs."

I stood there holding my gift as Uthr took over the explanation, patting Aiolian on the back as she sniffled. "Then we built a fire to harden the bowls and things - like the floors - but it got away from us and burned all over the island -"

"And the bridge to our house place." put in one of the Whills. "But no farther did it get."

"Fortunate that was." said the other Whill, with some understatement.

"We're very, very sorry." said Uthr and the others nodded emphatically.

"Apologized they have." The elder of the two Whills agreed.

"And fought the fire with us they did." added his son. Neither seemed particularly upset by the incident.

Nor did Yoda. "Next time use kiln you will." he scolded mildly. "Mindful you must be, and consider consequences of what you do." he turned to his fellow Whills. "Tomorrow we will your bridge rebuild."

"Thank you, Master." they said. And took their leave apparently entirely satisfied.

The children were so obviously miserable that I hadn't the heart to scold them further but just led them off for a wash and change. It seemed I had set a precedent that first day and was now responsible for the children's evening bath. Well somebody had to do it - and obviously I cared a lot more about cleanliness than their Masters did!

The younglings did rebuild the bridge for the Whills the next day and the day after Yoda gave them a lesson in how to control fire with the Force - nearly burning down Obi-Wan's cottage and our little stand of trees in the process! But somehow the old Master kept things from getting entirely out of hand. Still I found the whole exercise so alarming I elected to sit it out on a neighboring islet.

What Yoda did not do - to my dismay - was forbid any more unsupervised excursions.  
"Explore and learn younglings must." was all he said when I tried to argue with him. I turned to Obi-Wan but he took the same casual attitude as his elder.

"Master Yoda knows what he's doing, Padme."

"But they'll get into more trouble!" I cried.

Obi-Wan had Mei-Qan on his knee and was spooning some kind of mush into her mouth - or trying to, more was getting on his robes then into the baby. "Of course they will." he said serenely, "that's what Initiates do - make mischief."

Mei-Qan playfully spat a mouthful at me. "No, no, Chani. Not at Padme." her grandfather chided mildly, wiping orange goo off her little face.

"I don't think she likes it." I said, swabbing my skirt.

"She loves it." Obi-Wan answered. "It's just she loves making a mess even more."

I reverted back to our other children. "So you and Yoda are determined to let the younglings wander around loose looking for trouble?"

My husband's Master gave me a grin that made him look no older than our charges. "That's right - my lady."


	6. More Trouble

Watching, washing and worrying about the little ones filled my days but the nights were dreadful. My fragile bubble of contentment had been burst, I'd been forced to face the reality of my husband's crimes and the knowledge he was still alive and hated me. My only protection was the fact he thought I was dead, and didn't know our children existed. If he ever found out otherwise...

Memories were no longer a comfort and a refuge but a new source of pain. My marriage, my love had all been lies. Anakin had used me, deceived me, and I had let him. And yet in spite of all that I couldn't kill my love. I writhed in shame but I still wanted Anakin, longed for his voice, his touch - was I mad, or just going mad? I was trapped inside my own mind and couldn't escape the pain.

Days were better, the children were very good at distracting me from myself. One evening as we were washing up after dinner, using three wooden tubs with the children giggling and splashing soapy water at each other as usual, a punt moored at our little dock and an agitated Whill, Yully the eggs-seller from the market, disembarked. Yoda went to meet him.

"I wonder what that's about." I said, and I'm afraid I gave the little ones a suspicious look.

"It's not us, not this time." Tam said virtuously.

Vita nodded vehement agreement. "We only did good things today!"

Yoda approached, his companion was mopping his high brow with a bright orange handkerchief and the Master himself looked grave.

"Children, open the sluices to Yully's Pai-Pai pen did you?"

I closed my eyes in resignation. Of course they had.

"Master, they were dying!" Vita cried.

I opened my eyes to see Aiolian nodding emphatically, "Writhing around in the mud and making bubbling sounds. It was awful!"

"They needed water to breath so we gave it to them." Uthr said aggressively.

"Saving lives, even fish lives, can't be wrong!" Keri added defiantly.

Yoda was shaking his head. "Good your intentions were, but ignorant you are of life on Whillowan. Pai-Pai are lungfish."

"Oh!' the children deflated visibly.

"Eat their eggs we do," Yoda continued, "Yully drained his pen to make them lay. Leave the sluices open you did, flooding pen so all the Pai-Pai's escaped."

"And the dams ruined are." put in Yully. No wonder he was so agitated. Our tiny terrors had just wrecked his livelihood!

Aiolian's big dark eyes were suspiciously liquid. Vita's lip was quivering and so was Tam's. Uthr and Keri still looked defiant, but guilty too.

"We didn't know that." our little Zabrak said.

"Found out you should have." said Yoda, almost severely. "In-vest-i-gated first, not acted on impulse."

"But they were dying!" Keri pleaded. "or at least we thought they were."

"If calm and focused you were, sensed they were not in distress you would have. Let appearances deceive you, you did."

The children hung their heads. "Yes, Master. Sorry, Master." they muttered in muted chorus.

"Apologize to Yully you should." he scolded. "Tomorrow rebuild his pen you will - and for him catch more Pai-Pais."

"Yes, Master." Tam squared his shoulders and addressed the wronged egg-seller. "We're very sorry, sir. We didn't understand what was happening and we acted on impulse."

"We can't stand watching things die," Keri explained, "because - because..." her voice wavered and she gulped. She didn't have to finish, we all knew what she was trying to say - including Yully.

"Understand I do." he said kindly. "Welcome your help will be."

Repairing the pen and catching Pai-Pai to fill it took several days. "Well, Obi-Wan?" I said confronting him one morning after Yoda and the younglings had left for Yully's.

"Well, Padme?" he asked, eyebrows rising.

"Well I think this has proved my point!" I said. "The children can't be allowed to run around on their own."

"As I told you before, making mischief is what Initiates do." he said calmly.

"This was a little more serious than 'mischief'." I argued. "Your Initiates nearly ruined poor Yully's business for him!"

"And now they are repairing the damage they have done." he replied. "And learning a valuable lesson in the process."

"Lesson?" I echoed.

"Look before you leap." he smiled.

I snorted. "This from a man who jumps out of thousand story windows?"

"I looked first." he said.

After that I tried to keep the children at home as much as I could by asking them to help me with my chores. Wash day for example was a lot more work than it used to be now there were so many of us.

Being sweet, good hearted little things they were more than happy to help; cranking the washing machine, carrying kettles of hot water and laying the things out to dry. Running out of meadow space Tam and Aiolian tried to use the roof of Yoda's cottage for drying purposes, but I saw and ordered them down before any harm was done - or so I thought.

Yoda and Yedda had gone off on a lengthy search for rare herbs that morning and Obi-Wan taken Raj to do something to my skiff so I was the only adult to see the incident. Unfortunately I didn't think to mention it when the others came home to dinner.

That night we had one of our occasional rainfalls - it only rained at night on Whillowan. The next morning five bedraggled children emerged from their cottage without their fishing gear, followed by an exhausted looking Yoda. Of course the rest of us hurried over to see what was wrong.

"Busy night we had." Yoda said with some understatement, sitting down heavily on the little rush seated stool on his doorstep.

"The roof leaked." Tam told me. In contrast to their weary mentor the children were keyed up and excited.

"It didn't just leak it poured!" Vita said happily.

"Gallons and gallons coming in all over!" Keri agreed cheerfully.

"Flooded out of our sleeping places we were." said Yoda.

"So we went down but it wasn't much better there." said Uthr.

"The water followed us, the steps looked like a little waterfall." said Aiolian.

"And then the ceiling started going all gray and slick as the water soaked in - "Uthr continued.

And was interrupted by Tam. "So we made holes in it for the water to come through before it brought the whole thing down on our heads.

"And we put tubs and things under the holes to catch the water -" said Vita.

"But we had to empty them out the windows so more rain blew in." said Keri.

"Very wet our house is." said Master Yoda, a hint of a twinkle in his sunken eyes.

"But how did it happen?" I asked weakly, terribly afraid I already knew.

Aiolian confirmed my suspicions. "Tam and I did something to the roof when we climbed up there yesterday."

"I didn't think we'd hurt it," the boy agreed, "but we must have."

"Accidents happen will." said Yoda, a bright eye fixed on me. "Even when carefully watched children are."

I took his point.

Yedda joined the little ones in the work of clearing up the mess inside the cottage while Obi-Wan and Raj settled down to fish for all of us and I took Master Yoda back to my house for a cup of treebark tea and a lie down.

He gave me an assessing look over the rim of his cup and said; "Look tired do you too, Padme, worry too much about the children you do."

"It's not that, Master, I'm not sleeping well." a dam broke somewhere inside me and it all came pouring out. "I'm afraid to go to bed, afraid to be alone with my own thoughts. I thought I was doing so well, Master, but now I'm falling apart!"

He nodded sadly. "Expecting this I have been. In shock you were but passed it has and the pain you feel."

"Yes, oh yes!" I began to cry helplessly, hating myself for it but unable to stop. "Master, what am I going to do? I can't stand being me - it hurts so - and there's no escape!"

"Escape your pain you cannot but help you deal with it I can." Yoda told me. "Teach you how to make your mind still, to med-i-tate, I will."

"I'm not a Jedi." I reminded him.

"A Jedi you do not have to be. The Force part of all life is, feel It you can if you try. Help you find peace again it will."

"I'll try anything, anything at all, if it'll help." I said.

"So hard it is not, and help you it will." he answered.


	7. Tribulations and Meditations

Market day rolled around again and Yedda and I went as usual to buy the week's supplies, this time followed by the younglings on their raft. I wasn't surprised to discover the children were known to every Whill in the marketplace - by now their doings must be the talk of the community! - but I was amazed by the warmth with which our tiny terrors were greeted on every hand, even by poor Yully! For all they were the sweetest little darlings on the planet - despite their destructive tendencies - and always touchingly sorry for their misdeeds I'd have expected if not hostility at least a justifiable wariness from the Whills.

Our list of requirements hadn't changed, but these days we had to get a lot more of everything, I pressed the younglings into service as package carriers and boat loaders, keeping them safely under my eye and out of trouble.

My condition was now very obvious despite my shapeless reed-cloth dresses. A group of Whill matrons asked me to join them for a cup of tea and plied me with friendly questions about my health and the babies'.

"Frankly I'm getting a little worried about delivering without a medi-droid on hand." I confessed.

The ladies shook their heads, clucking sympathetically. "Natural process childbirth is," one reassured me, "only if things go wrong is help needed."

"Progressing normally, you are." another said. "Normal will be the birth. Nothing to worry about have you."

I hoped she was right but I couldn't help wondering how much Whills knew about Human pregnancies - and whether even a Jedi Master would be of much use in a difficult delivery. Then I glanced around and saw with a chill that the younglings had disappeared.

I ruthlessly suppressed an urge to jump up and run about the marketplace looking for them - it wouldn't do to make a fuss and alarm everybody - but I shot a pleading look at Yedda and a few minutes later she politely excused herself and sauntered off in search of our strays while I forced myself to go on chatting and drinking tea.

In do time the children reappeared, wearing their now familiar hangdog expressions. shepherded by Yedda and Yossu the Miller. "What have you done now?" I asked with the calmness of despair.

"We just built a dam -" Tam began.

"Like the ones we made for Yully." Uthr put in

"- across this little stream coming down off the mountain." Tam finished

"Just to pass the time until we go home." Keri explained.

"We didn't mean to do anything wrong." Aiolian pleaded.

"Of course not, you never do." I said resignedly and looked at Yossu: "What damages?"

"Water diverted into my flour stores," he answered, "seven bags ruined were."

"Make good your loss we will." said Yedda.

"Trouble yourselves not." the miller said cheerfully. "As many bags do I spoil myself in a market week."

"It was lucky Yossu decided to take such a forgiving view of the matter," I told my pack of sniffling children as we herded them back to boat and raft, "and that so little damage was done but -"

Vita interrupted my lecture with a despairing cry from the depths of her little heart. "We try and try to be good but everything we do is wrong. We must be the worst children in the whole galaxy and I wish we'd been killed in the Temple with the others!"

"Vita!" horrified I dropped to my knees, there in the mud of the mooring place, and hugged her. "Don't say that, darling, never even think it!" I opened up my arms to gather in the rest of the crew. "Why Master Yoda would have broken his heart and died if he didn't have you to teach - and I don't know what would have become of Obi-Wan and Raj and me without you all to cheer us up!"

"Really?" Tam asked brightening.

"Really!" I said firmly. "We all love you and want you, no matter what you do! And don't any of you ever forget that!"

"We won't, promise!" said Uthr as the others nodded emphatic agreement.

I kicked myself silently all the way to the landing field. How could I have been so insensitive? How could I not have realized the effect my constant carping would have on children traumatized as these had been? Still the younglings couldn't be allowed to run wild, the Whill community and my nerves would never survive it.

The little ones loved the old freighter, crawling all over it and investigating everything with poor Artoo bleeping anxiously after them. And I had a brilliant idea - at least it seemed brilliant at the time.

"Threepio," I said, "does Artoo need your help with the ship?"

Artoo overheard this and made one of his ruder sounds. "Well I like that!" Threepio said indignantly, then politely to me. "As a matter of fact, Miss, no he doesn't."

"Good," I said, "because I could use you at home. The children need watching and guidance and I think you'd be perfect for the job."

Threepio straightened proudly and his bright metal face practically glowed with pleasure. "I would be delighted, Miss Padme! I am very fond of children."

It took Threepio, Artoo, Yedda and me several minutes to track down all our little ones and gather them in the main hold. "This is my protocol droid, Cee Threepio," I told them. "I want you to take him with you wherever you go and do as he tells you."

"Okay." Tam said brightly. He and the others were obviously fascinated with my glittering golden droid and I congratulated myself on finding the perfect solution to our problems.

I should have known better.

Back home I found Obi-Wan sitting on our picnic lawn teasing his granddaughter by floating a brightly colored ball just out of her reach.

"Obi-Wan!" I said shocked. "What are you doing?"

"What have you done?" he countered, nodded towards Threepio, completely surrounded by pint sized Jedi.

So I told him about our children's latest feat finishing with; "Threepio will keep them out of trouble for us."

"Hmmm." said Obi-Wan dubiously.

Suddenly the ball hovering over Mei-Chan's head fell into her little hands. "Thank you!" I said.

Obi-Wan grinned. "I didn't do it, she did."

I gaped at him, then got enough breath back to gasp: "At her age?"

"Oh yes. That's why we took children so young."

There were no more disasters after Threepio took charge of the little ones, to my relief and I presume that of the Whill community. But his new duties were rather hard on my droid in ways I had never imagined.

"Good evening, Miss Padme." said a booming bass voice out of nowhere.

I started, turned, and found myself looking at Threepio. "We're home." he finished

"Threepio, what happened to your voice?" I gasped.

Somehow he managed to look pained. "Miss Keri adjusted my vocorder."

"We were singing," our little Rystall explained, "and we needed a really deep voice."

"I see." I said. "You can put Threepio's voice back the way it was, can't you?"

"Sure." she said cheerfully. "If you want me too."

"Please." I said. "Unless Threepio prefers it this way?" I looked questioningly at my droid.

"No, Miss, I do not!" he said with booming emphasis.

A few days later I noticed his right hand was missing. "Threepio, where is your hand?"

"Master Tam has it, Miss Padme. I had a slight accident."

"We were climbing on the mountain and a rock fell on Threepio." Tam explained, showing me the damaged hand. "But don't worry, I'll fix it." He did too, as good as new, to my droid's considerable relief - and mine too.

Then there was the day the children returned mired from head to foot, and Threepio from the chest down and missing a couple of plates.

"We got trapped in a reed field," Uthr explained. "Threepio tried to pull us out and got stuck in the bottom mud. We managed to get him loose but he lost a foot and shin plate."

"We looked and looked," said Vita, "but we couldn't find them."

"I'm afraid I need a thorough cleaning, Miss Padme," Threepio put in apologetically, "my joints are so clogged I can hardly move - and I fear some of my circuitry has been compromised."

So we took him straight to the freighter. Artoo bleeped and whistled 'I told you sos' while cleaning the mud out of poor Threepio's leg joints and circuitry and the children rummaged through the storage lockers and tool boxes and turned up a few pieces of droid plating including a foot and shin piece - but in silver rather than gold.

"Oh dear, oh dear." said Threepio, looking down at his now mismatched limbs.

"I think the contrast is very stylish." I said soothingly.

He brightened. "You really think so, Miss Padme."

"Oh, yes." I assured him. "Very elegant and unique."

"Elegant." he repeated happily. "Unique. Thank you, Miss."

"You're very welcome, Threepio."

Despite all the accidents Threepio's supervision of the children took a great load of worry off my mind and left me free to concentrate on my meditations - not that I was getting very far in that department.

"Focus you must have. Fo-cus." Yoda kept saying.

"I'm trying, Master." I would answer in frustration, and he'd shake his head sadly.

"It is because you only 'try' you fail. Do you must, not 'try'."

Which made no sense at all. And neither did the subject the ancient Master have given me to meditate on.

"Love!" I'd exclaimed. "Love is the last thing I need to think about now, Master Yoda." Love meant Anakin and he had failed me - or I had failed him, I didn't know which. In either case love was clearly not my best thing.

Yoda's ears floated downward as he gave me a stern look. "Love most important thing is! Think about it, do not, feel it you must!"

Maybe if I were a Jedi I'd understand that - but I wasn't and I didn't. Still I kept trying, sitting alone in my house with the windows draped, eyes and ears closed, trying to 'focus' on love without drifting into agonizing memories of Anakin.

Then, one day as I was thinking about mother-love; My mother, and poor Shmi and my own feelings for my babies, it happened. Suddenly I was flooded with a warm, sunlit emotion encompassing me, my twins, the younglings, my Jedi Masters and friends and beyond us everything living thing on Whillowan, and beyond it. A love that welled through me but was not part of me but rather I a part of it.

And through that shining emotion came a voice, sad and compassionate and very familiar. "Poor little handmaiden."

My eyes popped open in shock. "Qui-Gon?"


	8. Plans for the Future

Time passed. Raj suddenly started shooting up, going from just my height to taller than Obi-Wan in a matter of months. The younglings turned five one after another. Little Mei-Qan started to walk. And I got bigger, and bigger and BIGGER! My feet were a distant memory - I couldn't see them but I certainly felt them! They hurt all the time these days and so did my back. My wicker chair had curved to fit my ever increasing bulk and I needed help getting out of it. Sitting on the ground was out of the question - I'd never get up again.

At least I could still roll off my sleeping platform, (and I use the word 'roll' advisedly!) without assistance. Once up I'd spend most of the day sitting in my chair, set out in the sun, mending a constant stream of youngling tunics, breeches and stockings and watching our three little households purr along like well oiled machines - who knew Jedi were so domestic?

My state of mind had improved immensely too, thanks to my new mentor and guide. Hearing Qui-Gon's voice that afternoon in my cottage had scared me half out of my wits. Had I finally gone over the edge into delusions? I was afraid to tell Yoda what I'd heard but I had to - if I was going crazy maybe he could help.

Instead of looking concerned he'd been pleased. "Ahhhh. Hoped for this I did."

"What?" I'd said blankly

"Spoken of my new Master I have." he reminded me.

Yes of course he had. I'd assumed he'd been speaking metaphorically. "You mean you hear Qui-Gon too?"

He nodded. "Hear him and see him. Wise and powerful he is, help you better than I he can."

Yoda'd been right, as usual. Qui-Gon helped me realize my marriage hadn't been a lie; Anakin had been everything I thought he was and more. But he also made me see how I had contributed to my husband's fall by keeping his secrets and encouraging him to live a lie. And then he'd showed me how to let go of grief and guilt and go on. 'Without remorse, without regret.' But he hadn't cured me of my love for Anakin, nor had he tried to.

"He needs your love more than ever now, Padme." my Master had said gently.

"He hates me."

"He says he hates you. But what is hate but the bitter face of love?"

"What good is my love going to do him with me hiding from him in fear of my life and the babies lives?" I asked disconsolately.

"Love is never wasted, Padme." was the answer.

I spent a lot of time meditating on that. 'Love is never wasted' - yes I could feel the truth of it. But it seemed as if my love had done Anakin nothing but harm. Gradually I came to see it was not my love that had hurt us but my fear; fear of losing my office and of Anakin being cast out of the Jedi Order. But would that really have been so terrible? Why had I been so convinced we had to be a Senator and a Jedi Knight, why couldn't we just be Anakin and Padme? Would that have saved him, saved us? But - no remorse, no regrets! I had done what I believed was right at the time. If I'd been wrong then so be it. Let it go, let it all go.

All but Anakin.

One afternoon Obi-Wan and Yoda came to speak to me. I held up the pair of small breeches I was working on. "How does a little boy manage to tear out the seat of his pants and wear through both knees on the same day?"

A faint smile flickered over Obi-Wan's face. "Mountain climbing again probably."

His tone was off. I frowned at the two Masters, they both looked very grave. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing's wrong exactly -" Obi-Wan began and was interrupted by Yoda.

"Soon your babies born will be."

"I can't wait." I said fervently. "I feel as if I'm lugging the main dome of Theed Palace around with me!"

"Decide what we will do we must." Yoda said.

I looked at him blankly. "Aren't we staying here?" but even as I asked I sensed the answer.

"Brought up among their own kind your children must be."

Of course Yoda was right. A peaceful childhood on isolated Whillowan wouldn't prepare the twins, or Chani or the younglings to overthrow a galactic Empire and defeat the Sith.

"So where are we going?" I asked.

"Well, we were wondering if you had any suggestions or preferences." Obi-Wan answered.

I tried to think. Naboo was out - then where?

"Well hidden your children must be." said Yoda.

"Somewhere where the Sith cannot sense their presence." Obi-Wan agreed.

"Split up they should be."

"What!" I said sharply.

Obi-Wan looked unhappy. "I'm sorry, Padme but it would be best. If the Sith should find one the other might survive -"

"You're asking me to give up my babies?" I demanded, voice high and shrill.

"Ask we do not, but advise it we do." said Yoda gently.

I would have liked to jump up, run to my cottage and slam the door behind me, but my condition made it impossible. Instead I struggled to get out of my chair. Obi-Wan reached a hand to help me but I shook him off as soon as I was upright. "No! I can't - I can't! Don't you understand," I wailed, "my children are all I've got!"

"Padme -" Obi-Wan began helplessly, but once again Yoda overrode him.

"Meditate." he said. "Listen for the Will of the Force you must."

I didn't say anything. I waddled past them into my house and I did manage to slam the door. Then I collapsed onto my sleep platform.

'I won't!' I told myself fiercely. "I won't. To hell with what the Force wants! They can't make me, and neither can It!"

Gradually I realized I was no longer alone. I looked up to see Qui-Gon, lucent and luminous with a soft green radiance, sitting on a stool facing me. I wasn't surprised. He came to me often and easily now, when I wanted him - and when I didn't.

"I suppose you're here to tell me to give up my babies too." I said defiantly.

"The decision is yours, Padme." He answered mildly. "You are the children's mother, it is for you to choose what is best for them."

Oh how I wished he hadn't put it that way. In those few words he changed the question from what I wanted to what was best for Luke and Leia.

"I'm their mother," I repeated painfully, "I love them so. How can sending them away from me be best for them? And where is there for any of us to go?"

"Still your mind." my Master said soothingly, almost hypnotically. "Let go of your fears, open yourself to the Force, and It will tell you what you must do. Remember, Padme, Love is the essence of the Force. It asks hard things of us, but it also gives us the strength to do them."

I stilled my mind, I let the fear, the pain, the anger drain out of me. I sensed my children cuddled snugly together in my womb - how could I separate them? I let that question go too. At last my inner silence was broken by a voice, the last voice I would ever have expected to hear utter the Will of the Force. It was Anakin's voice repeating words spoken long ago, words whose truth neither of us had truly understood at the time:

"Attachment is forbidden. Possession is forbidden. Compassion, which I would define as unconditional love, is central to a Jedi's life."

And to a mother's life too. Calm and centered I knew what I must do - without remorse and without regret.

"Hidden, safe the children must be kept. Foundation of the new Jedi Order they will be." Yoda said.

The younglings had been tucked into their beds with Threepio to watch over them. All us adults, including Raj and Yedda, had gathered in Obi-Wan's cottage. Mei-Qan slept soundly in her little cocoon of blankets on the sleep platform, undisturbed by our voices. I sat in my chair, Yoda and Obi-Wan on stools, and the two Padawans on the floor.

"Know a good place to hide, I do." the old Master continued. "Remote, uninhabited. Take the younglings there I will and complete their training." Surely not even our fearsome fivesome could do much harm on an uninhabited world. Yoda glanced at me with raised ears. "Ideas of your own you have, Padme?"

"Yes, Master." I said, voice firm. "Obi-Wan, I want you to take Luke to Owen and Beru on Tatooine. I know they'll love him for Shmi's sake."

He nodded "I was thinking of Tatooine for myself. It's a good hiding place, outside the Empire's borders, and the Larses are my family too. If anything should happen to me they'd take care of Chani."

I smiled at him. "You mustn't let anything happen to you, Obi-Wan. When Luke is old enough I want you to train him, as you trained his father."

He grimaced. "Better than that I hope!"

"If you failed Anakin, Obi-Wan, it wasn't your fault." I told him.

His eyebrows went up fractionally. "Then whose?"

"Mine I'm afraid." I answered grimly. "Anakin kept secrets from you, and I helped him do it."

Obi-Wan frowned. "What kind of secrets?"

"Things he'd done." I said quietly. "Terrible things. If he'd told you - if you'd known - maybe you could have helped him before it was too late."

"I would have sensed it if he were hiding something -" he began distressed then stopped, eyes going out of focus, remembering. "Oh no." he said softly. "Oh, Ani. I should have listened to myself!"

"Listen more we all should have." Yoda said ruefully.

Obi-Wan gave me one of his very straight looks out of those lucent blue eyes. "There was nothing Anakin couldn't have told me. Nothing."

I bowed my head. "I know." it was no good explaining. Obi-Wan knew Anakin had loved him, knew he had sometimes resented him, but he'd never known Anakin feared him - and it would only hurt him to tell him so now. Poor Obi-Wan, he didn't realize - perhaps couldn't realize - how much he'd intimidated Anakin. 'Wiser than Master Yoda, more powerful than Master Windu' the irreproachable, perfect Jedi who could never understand or forgive madness and murder.

"And your daughter, What of her?" Yoda asked gently, breaking into my thoughts.

I took a deep breath. I might have to fight for this part of my plan. "It's going to take more than Jedi to overthrow the Empire. We're going to need a political leader too. I will take Leia to Alderaan. I know Bail and Breha would love a baby girl to raise. And they will be able to give her the education and backing she'll need to become that leader."

To my relief I saw no protest on Yoda's wrinkled face, instead he nodded slowly. "Sooo... the son in his father's footsteps will walk. The daughter her mother's path tread. Fitting that is."

"But Alderaan," Obi-Wan said doubtfully, "a core-world practically under the Emperor's nose."

I grinned. "Hiding in plain sight was your specialty wasn't it, General?"

An answering smile passed over his face but his eyes stayed troubled.

"Safe it will be." Yoda said. "Moriah there is."

"Of course! Her Force presence will eclipse Leia's!"

"Who?" I asked.

"A Padawan of mine she was." Yoda explained. His ears drooped. "My last. Failed her I did. Left the Jedi to go home to her family."

"She's a princess of the House of Organa." Obi-Wan added. "I'm not sure what relation she is to Prince Bail but I know she lives in the royal palace at Aldera."

"Teach Raj and Yedda too she can." said Yoda. "My hands full will be, and Obi-Wan's."

"But she left the Order," Raj ventured, "maybe she won't want to -"

"Do it she will." Yoda said firmly, and smiled crookedly. "As a last favor to her misguided old Master."

"All right," I said, "Raj and Yedda will come with Leia and me to Alderaan. I guess I'll be taking Threepio and Artoo too?"

"Definitely!" Obi-Wan said with some emphasis.

"Have no need of a droid will I." Yoda agreed. "Travel in your skiff you will, Padme. The rest of us the freighter will take. Drop the younglings and I at Dagobah Obi-Wan will then go on to Tatooine."

"One more thing." I said steadily. "Obi-Wan I want you to take Luke away the minute he's born. I don't want to hold him, or even see him."

"But surely that will make it worse for you." he protested. "A proper farewell -"

"Might be better for some women, but not me." I managed a smile. "I've thought it over very carefully, Obi-Wan. The only way I can bear it is if Luke isn't quite real to me. Right now he's an idea, a hope, I can let that go. But not a baby, not - my baby."

Slowly Obi-Wan nodded. "Very well. But if you change your mind -"

"I won't." I said.


	9. Luke and Leia

My matronly Whill advisors insisted exercise was very important for a woman in my condition. Yeah, easier said than done. Thanks to said condition all I could manage in the way of exercise was a waddling circumambulation of our little islet once or twice a day. One fine morning as I passed Yoda's house something hit me. Not physical, not exactly a pain, a feeling. A horrible feeling like a hole had been torn in the universe and all the life and hope was flowing out of it. I crumpled to my knees, clutching at my belly in a vain effort to protect my twins.

"Padme, all right are you? Your labor begun has?"

I looked up to see Yoda staring down at me in concern and some alarm. "No." I panted, the felt the wetness flowing down my legs. "I mean yes - but it wasn't labor pains, it was something else. Something terrible."

"Felt it too I did." he said bleakly. "A disturbance of the Force it was. Death, much death." then he shook himself. "Focus on the moment we must, on life. Raj!" he called, "Raj come, carry Padme to her house you must. Then Mistress Yadys fetch." That was the Whill midwife.

Raj put me down on my sleep platform and Yedda piled pillows under my head and back, propping me up. "The children!" I gasped, between contractions, "I want to see the children. A few minutes later they were there, my little lover Tam in the fore, all wide eyed and scared looking.

"Are you all right?" Tam asked timidly.

I smiled at him. "I'm fine. But the babies are coming which means we might not see each other again for a long time. I wanted to say good-bye.

Aiolian sniffled.

I hugged and kissed Tam, then our little Angel, then Uthr and the other two girls. "Mind Master Yoda, and take care of him. Remember he's not a young being any more. Always remember I love you, all of you."

Threepio collected the tearful children and took them away. The pains got stronger and closer together. I started to get frightened and tense up. 'Breath, little handmaiden,' a gentle voice whispered in my ear, 'breath and feel the Force flowing through you.'

"Yes, Master." I gasped, and tried to relax and feel the Force. There was nothing to be afraid of. It might feel as if my body was being torn apart but it was only changing, opening up to let my babies be born. Leia would be with me soon, I'd be able to hold her - and we could comfort each other for the loss of half our family.

Yedda and Yadys hovered over me, monitoring my conditions. Neither of them looked worried. Every so often Yadys would tell me how well I was doing - and I knew she was telling the truth. Everything was proceeding as it should. They'd warned me it would probably take a while.

Relax, breath, feel the Force. I could feel it, inside me, struggling to get out. I was giving birth to the Force. Had Shmi felt like this when she had Anakin? If only she were here to ask. If only Anakin were here! A swell of pain, not just physical, caught me up and carried me to a crest of piercing agony. I screamed aloud: "Anakin! Anakin!"

And then I heard a baby cry.

"The boy it is." said Yadys.

"Luke." I corrected. "His name is Luke. Luke Skywalker." Anakin's son. If only he were here - he'd have been so proud! I turned my head a little, enough to see Obi-Wan still and silent by the door, enfolded in his Jedi robe. "Take him." I ordered.

I averted my eyes but I could feel him moving forward to gather a tiny, warm bundle into his arms. I felt him hesitate, look at me. "Padme?"

"Take him!" I repeated, and sensed his turn towards the door. "May the Force be with you both." then the contractions started again. "Luke!" I cried after them, "Luke, I love you! Mother loves you!"

Obi-Wan was gone. Luke was gone. It was just Leia and me now - or would be soon.

Again the pain crested, but this time it was my daughter's name I called: "Leia! Leia!" and was answered by a thin, infant wail.

They put her on my heart, wet and slimy and red and wrinkled, and oh so, so beautiful. "Leia," I whispered. "Oh, Leia, I had to send your brother away. I'm so sorry, so sorry, but I had to. I had to. Your father has done terrible things and we all have to hide from him...Oh Leia, he would have loved you so! He told me he wanted a girl. A little girl just like her mother he said..." tears rolled down my face at the memory.

I was barely conscious of Yedda and Yadys busy down there below, swabbing and wrapping, my attention fixed entirely on my daughter. "Your father was such a good man, Leia, such a good man. I can't believe all that goodness could just disappear - not all. There must still be some left inside him - there must be!"

'I believe that too.' said my Master's soft voice.

The islet was very quiet without our fearsome fivesome. Obi-Wan and Yoda's houses stood empty. It was good we were leaving, it would have been unbearably lonely if we stayed - just the four of us.

The third day after the twin's birth I got into our boat, my daughter in my arms, and Raj poled us to the landing field where my skiff waited.

I walked up the boarding ramp without looking back, and on into the passenger cabin sitting down, out of long habit, in the chair of state facing the door. Yedda climbed up onto one of the padded benches flanking me. Threepio settled himself on the other. Nobody spoke.

The skiff vibrated faintly as the engines fired and I felt the familiar, slightly gone feeling in my stomach as we lifted off. It would be a long trip to Alderaan, halfway across the galaxy. But there were sanitary facilities on board, and food. We'd manage.

The ship sighed as it settled on its landing legs. I stood up, Leia in my arms, eyes fixed expectantly on the door. It opened. Raj stood there, flanked by Threepio and Artoo. "We're on one of the palace landing pads." he said. "They're expecting us."

"Us?" I asked.

A ghost of a grin passed over his face. "Well, they're expecting me - and a couple more fugitive Jedi."

Yedda helped me swath myself in a voluminous shawl, hiding most of my face and engulfing the baby in my arms. Leia was such a good baby, she hardly ever cried. Now she just blinked up at me with those great, dark blue eyes, and uttered an inquiring gurgle.

"We're here, honey," I told her, "Alderaan our new home." Or so I hoped.

Aldera is said to be one of the most beautiful cities in the galaxy, all sleek swooping lines and graceful spires echoing the snowcapped mountains that surround it. But the unrelieved white seemed austere and unwelcoming to eyes accustomed to the glowing golden stone and shimmering green domes of Naboo.

The interior of the palace was also cool and white. What color there was was soft and muted, as was the clothing of the courtiers. White and lavender seemed to be the favorite colors. There were no embroideries and no jewels. It all seemed very stark, elegant but stark and not at all in keeping with my idea of royal state.

We were shown to a small white room opening onto a curving sweep of balcony. Bail was sitting on one of the two chairs of state, his face set - almost grim. "Raj Palpatine," he said. "What brings you to Alderaan?"

I was surprised by the unwelcoming tone. It wasn't at all like my old friend and colleague who, according to Obi-Wan and Yoda, had done his best to help the few surviving Jedi. Off balance Raj looked uncertainly at me. I pushed back my shawl. "I did."

"Padme!" Bail sprang to his feet, white faced and staring. "Senator Amidala! But you're dead - you were killed by Jedi assassins!"

So that's why he'd looked at poor Raj like that. "Don't be silly, Bail." I said as lightly as I could. "As you can see I'm not dead - and Jedi don't deal in assassination."

His face reflected churning confusion and acute distress. "That's what I thought - but they killed the children, Padme, they killed the Temple children rather than see them sent back to their families."

"What!" I gasped, horrified. "Oh, Bail, how could you possibly believe such a lie? The Jedi rescued the children from the Emperor. I know, I saw some of them on Whillowan."

"But...but I saw security recordings of Jedi murdering infants." he stammered.

"Faked. Oh, Bail, surely you know how easy it is to fake such things?"

He sank back onto his throne, blank faced but with something like horror in his eyes. "Spirit of Reason, what have I done?"

My blood chilled a little. "I don't know. What did you do?"

He covered his face with his hand. "I helped Palpatine wipe out the remaining Jedi."

I clutched Leia closer and she gave a protesting cry. "Oh Bail!"

He lowered his hand to look almost pleadingly at me. "They were threatening civil war, Padme, they'd rallied two or three systems to their cause. They'd murdered a score of Senators - including you - and the children. Only - they hadn't."

I closed my eyes against my tears. "They were trying to save the Republic, Bail. I knew they meant to try, and I knew they'd fail. What happened?"

"There was a battle at the Condawn system." he answered brokenly. "I offered quarter, Padme, I swear I did. But the Emperor's cloned troops...they killed them all, even the prisoners. And we stood by and let it happen. I even thought maybe it was justified." he buried his face in his hands.

It was Raj who broke the ensuing silence. "You were deceived by lies, your highness, as we all were." he said quietly. "You did what you thought was right - no man can do more."

Bail raised his head to smile palely at him. "And what does a man do when he finds out he unmeaningly did wrong, Master Jedi?"

"Makes sure he doesn't do it again." Raj answered simply.

Slowly Bail nodded. "Yes. Yes, that much we can do." then he looked at me. "Why are you here, Padme?"

"I came for refuge." I answered, "and - and to give you and Breha a gift." I walked forward a pace at a time, my heart bleeding with every step, brought out Leia and showed her to him. "This is my daughter by Anakin Skywalker." I told him steadily. "The Emperor would kill her if he knew she existed. You told me you and Breha had considered adopting a daughter. I'm offering you mine."

He reached out a tentative hand, and Leia's little fist closed tightly around his finger. I could see by his face she'd caught him fast. His eyes lifted from my daughter to me. "Why us, Padme, and what about you?"

"Because I know you would love her," I said steadily, "and because you can give her the training and the status to take my place in the Senate someday to carry on the political fight against the Empire." I scraped up a smile. "As for me, I'll stay here if I may. I have nowhere else to go."

"Padme, we don't have to adopt Leia, we would see her educated for a political career without that." he suggested gently.

"No." I took a deep breath. "No, that won't work, Bail. She has to have a new name, a new family, otherwise the Emperor might find out who she really is."

Slowly he nodded. "If you're sure. I know Breha will welcome her."

Heart breaking I laid Leia in his arms. "I'm sure."


	10. Three Years Later

"Padme, did I tell you I mean to attend the welcome ceremonies for the off-world envoys this afternoon?" my princess asked coming into her bedroom where I sat curled in a bow window staring unseeingly at the silvery peaks reflected in the waters of lake Aldera.

"No, your highness, you did not." I answered, startled out of my gray study. The old princess almost never attended court functions - such as they were. As I uncurled from my seat Princess Moriah continued. "It is this afternoon isn't it?"

"Yes, your highness, in two hours."

"Good." she said, nodding to herself. "I knew I can't have missed it because I see myself there but I thought I might have gotten the day wrong." then she added apologetically. "I didn't mean to give you such short notice, Padme."

"That's quite all right your highness." I assured her opening the wardrobe door to select a gown. "Please sit down at the dressing table - I'll start on your make-up and hair in a minute."

When I delivered Leia to Bail and his queen I also handed them the problem of finding a place for me at their court - near but not too near the royal family. They solved it by having me join the Princess Moriah Organa's suite along with Raj and Yedda. Her highness was not quite what I had expected of a former Jedi master.

Princess Moriah was a very powerful seer, so powerful that past and future were as real to her as the present, and it was scarcely surprising that she sometimes lost herself in yesterdays or tomorrows. Her manner veered unpredictably from gently vague to alarmingly penetrating and most unnerving of all she would occasionally greet me with a mildly surprised; "Padme, are you still here?" as if someday I wouldn't be - which I found rather worrying.

Leaving aside the fact I had nowhere else to go I certainly wasn't going to leave my daughter - even if I was forced to keep a certain distance from her. Leia, now a precocious toddler, called both me and Breha 'Mama' and knew I was her birth mother which meant I had to be careful to see her only in private to avoid arousing dangerous curiousity. I also had to be careful not to undermine her relationship with the adopted parents who adored her. All in all it was no small strain but even the little I had of my daughter's company was much better than nothing.

I hadn't anticipated any difficulty in adjusting to Alderaanian palace life, wasn't I a trained royal and hadn't I spent my entire life in court circles? But I soon discovered the Alderaanian royal lifestyle wasn't anything at all like that of the Naboo. The austere and rather colorless aesthetic of the palace building was echoed by the low key life enjoyed - apparently - by the queen, her prince and her court.

Philosophical debates, artistic competitions of various sorts and expeditions to view scenic spots around the planet were the usual entertainments. Public ceremonies were few and conducted along the same austere lines. In short court life was appallingly dull and colorless by Naboo standards - and I, alas, am a Naboo. While I wasn't quite bored to tears the life did little to lighten the mild depression that had settled over me since my children's birth.

The Alderaanians had no body of carefully trained and dedicated royal attendants such as we had on Naboo. Instead the royal family used BeeDee droids for personal service and one or two 'aides', distinguished by noble birth or educational accomplishment or both for companionship and official duties. Some also had youthful 'pages of honor' confided to their care for training in philosophy and the arts. Officially I was Princess Moriah's 'aide' and Raj and Yedda her 'pages'.

In fact I functioned more like the handmaidens with which I was familiar. Looking after my absent minded princess gave me occupation, which I sorely needed. Moriah must have been heartbreakingly beautiful as a young woman and was still very lovely in her old age. It was a positive pleasure to dress and groom her as became her rank and she suffered my ministrations with Jedi-like patience.

My princess's formal gowns were all of unadorned white - the Organas' signet color - and her few pieces of jewelry were equally colorless silver and pearls, but fortunately an elegant simplicity suited her very well. I selected a soft silk gown with draped neckline and long sleeves gathered on a longitudinal rib from her wardrobe and a belt of linked silver plaques, matching bandeau and a rope of pearls from her jewel box. Then I started on her face.

I didn't have to do much, just some silver blue tint for the lids of her beautiful dark blue eyes and a little mascara for brows and lashes. Then a light pink paint for her pretty mouth and some shading to highlight her fine cheekbones. Once finished with her make-up I started on her hair, which was very long and a marvelous rippled silver in color. I pulled it smoothly back and twisted it into a bow knot at the back with the wide wings framing her face. Then the dress, then the jewelry.

One thing about Jedi training, it certainly teaches you how to hold still. The princess sat like a statue, every fold perfect, waiting with serene patience as I quickly prepared myself; changing my white dress for a soft lavender gray and twisting my hair up so it would fit beneath the lace bonnet that half hid my face.

Senator Amidala had been very well known, even on Alderaan it was possible I would be recognized. The court believed my reclusiveness and habit of hiding my face was due to disfiguring injuries received in the battle of Coruscant - which meant everybody was very sweet to me on those rare occasions that I did appear in public. The Alderaanians are good people - boring but good.

The great audience chamber was decorated with shimmering ropes of liquid silver in honor of 'Silver Flow' the big annual festival of Alderaan. Every spring millions of tiny, fish with reflective silver scales hatch in the quiet stretches of the rivers and canals of Alderaan and make their way en-mass downstream to the large lakes that dot the planet. These glimmerfish are so numerous that they turn the waterways to flowing silver during their migration - hence the name 'Silver Flow'. The Alderaanians celebrate this beautiful wonder of nature in their usual fashion; viewing parties, poetry readings and musicales. But it is also the occasion for balletic regattas on the lakes which are the closest thing to spectacle the planet has to offer. Silver Flow is important enough a holiday to be covered by the holo-net and representatives come from the Alderaanian seeded planets and other core and inner rim worlds to attend the festivities.

Queen Breha sat on her throne - a simple, low backed ivory chair - with Bail standing at her side and representatives of the various princely houses gathered around the dais. My princess found her place and I melted comfortably into the background along with the other aides and a few BeeDee droids.

The representatives from Alderaan's former and present colonies were welcomed first, then the envoys from inner rim worlds like Denon, Aleen, Chalacta and Thisspias. And after them the embassies from the leading core worlds; Aargau, Corellia and Ojom.

And finally: "Representing his most gracious majesty the Emperor, Lord Vader of Coruscant!"

I stared at the massive, faceless black armored form in horror as it stalked forward to bow to the queen. My mind gibbered in terror; he'd find me, find Leia! But a panicked heartbeat later sanity returned; why should he notice me, just one of the crowd of attendants well at the back of the hall? And he'd never see Leia at all - Bail and Breha would make sure of that!

"You are most welcome, Lord Vader." the queen was saying rather stiffly, no doubt his appearance had been a shock to her too.

"My Master desires me to express his thanks to your majesty and to his highness Prince Bail for Alderaan's support and aid in the building of the New Order." Anakin replied. But it wasn't his voice. It was deeper and more resonant and punctuated by the noisy respirations of a breather unit. Suddenly I realized the armor was in fact a life support suit. What had Obi-Wan done to my Anakin?

"His imperial majesty is ever gracious," Bail responded on behalf of his wife, "but we have done no more than our duty. The queen and people of Alderaan desire peace and security in the galaxy."

"As does the Emperor." Lord Vader agreed with another bow.

The formal welcome was followed by a reception. BeeDee units circulated with trays of glasses holding the sparkling wines of Alderaan and plates of silvered sweets shaped like glimmerfish. I worked my way through the eddying crowd determined to collect my princess and get us both out of here. I assumed Moriah couldn't want a confrontation with Anakin any more than I did - and I was wrong.

I spotted her slight, white clad form making straight for the massive blackness of Lord Vader and his little retinue of military aides. Before I could catch up with her she had reached him. "Hello, Anakin." she said looking straight up into that grotesque breather mask.

"Kensai Moriah." he said in that strange voice with a stiff half bow.

Hovering well in the background I felt sick. Obi-Wan had been right. This wasn't my Anakin. The man I'd married, the man who'd fathered my babies was dead and gone.

"You've changed a great deal since I last saw you." the princess continued calmly. "And not for the better I fear."

"You have no right to say that." He answered. "You do not know my reasons for what I have done, nor what I have accomplished!"

A shiver passed over my skin at a suddenly familiar note in that unfamiliar voice. A defensiveness I recognized instantly as Anakin's.

"That is true." Moriah conceded, then tilted her head sideways like a bird. "But is this truly what you want?"

"I want peace and order and justice in the galaxy!" he answered with a passion I also knew for Anakin's. Dear heavens, could he really believe the Empire was the way?

"And you have taken a path that seems to lead to that end." my princess was saying. "I understand. But remember, Anakin, choices can be changed and new paths chosen. It is still not too late."

"I do not understand you." he said stiffly. "I regret nothing. I would change nothing." And I knew he lied. And knew as clearly that Obi-Wan was wrong after all. Under that armor and the darkness layering his soul my Anakin still existed.

"Without remorse, without regret." the princess agreed mildly. "If you can say that truly then you have indeed done right. Good-bye, Anakin." and with that final shot she walked away. I went after her - but it was strangely hard to pull myself away from the ruin that was my beloved husband.

'I will always love you.' I'd told him. And unlike Anakin I'd spoken true. I still loved him - in spite of Darth Vader.


	11. Indecision

We found Raj and Yedda waiting anxiously for us in the princess's soft green reception room. "Is it all right," Raj asked, "does Master suspect anything?"

"He knows nothing." Moriah answered calmly. "He is here as the Emperor's representative, no more."

Raj breathed a sigh of relief and Yedda relaxed. I on the other hand swelled up in indignation and dismay. "You knew Anakin was going to be there?" I demanded incredulously. "Why didn't you warn me! what if I'd been recognized ?"

"I decided that would not happen." my princess answered calmly, leading us all through her yellow hung study and into the pale blue bedroom where she began taking off her jewelry.

I accepted the pieces automatically. "That isn't something you can decide!"

"As a matter of fact it is." Raj put in. "Being a seer, Kensai Moriah can influence the future in small ways."

I blinked. "What?"

"Merely bend circumstances slightly, if the way is open." she explained, sitting down at her dressing table and beginning to take down her hair. "It was possible that Anakin would not recognize you. I simply made sure that possibility became reality."

I felt dizzy. "You can change the future?"

She turned to look at me with those deep, serene eyes. "That is a power we all share. The future is always in motion, formed by our actions.

Anakin had changed it, I realized sickly. Instead of destroying the Sith as the Prophecy had promised he had become one of them and brought the whole galaxy under their sway. And his turn was partly my fault, for all I had meant no harm. "You should have warned me." I repeated.

"Then you would have refused to accompany me." my princess said reasonably. "It was important you saw your Anakin again."

"He's not my Anakin any more." I said bitterly.

"Oh yes he is." Moriah's gaze was become unsettlingly intense. "He has not been devoured - not yet. But for how long? You are not needed here, Padme. Not by me, or even by your daughter -"

I backed away, eyes filling with tears, then turned and fled before I could hear any more. I ran blindly through the pallid corridors, past startled courtiers, until I finally came to a high balcony overlooking the lake.

How could my princess say such a cruel thing? All the more cruel because I knew it was true. Moriah didn't need a handmaiden fussing over her, and Leia didn't need a second mother - especially one whose very presence put her in danger. I huddled on the bench, tears soaking the hands over my face. Gradually I became aware of a familiar presence and looked up.

Qui-Gon sat on the other end of my bench, translucent and faintly luminous even in the bright afternoon sunlight. "Moriah didn't mean to hurt you, Padme." he said gently. "She but spoke a truth you needed to hear."

"Needed to hear?" I repeated angrily. "I need to hear I'm a useless drone - as if I can help it!"

He shook his head. "Surely you know why you have been so unhappy here, Little One. All your life you have had purpose, and now you have none."

"I can't change that so what's the use of rubbing my nose in it?" I cried.

"But you can. You can go where you are needed. But it will be dangerous."

"Dangerous." I echoed. "What do you mean? Where do you want me to go?"

"To one who needs you desperately. To Anakin, to save what is left of his soul."

I stared incredulously at my Master, tears forgotten. "Go back to Anakin?" I echoed, and was shaken by a sudden fierce longing. "I can't, Master, you know I can't. He mustn't know about the twins."

Qui-Gon smiled a little sadly. "You won't find it hard to hide that from him, Padme. The Sith see only what they look for. Anakin needs you, Little One. He needs your love to nurture the goodness left in him. Without you it could die letting him be devoured by the Dark Side."

I knew what Qui-Gon said was true. I had felt Anakin's presence inside that armor and heard the remains of his old idealism, though horribly twisted, in his alien voice. But I was afraid. Afraid of Darth Vader, afraid of the Emperor and most of all afraid for my children. "Can't you help him, Master?" I begged.

But Qui-Gon shook his head, rugged face filled with sorrow. "No, Padme I can't. I have tried again and again to reach Anakin - both before and after his fall - and never succeeded. He has shut me out. Along with Obi-Wan and the rest of the Jedi. His trust in us has been destroyed."

"Along with his trust in me." I said miserably. "Master, he tried to kill me on Mustafar."

"I know. But I believe he regrets that impulse now. Padme, I would not ask this of you if I didn't believe you could succeed."

I gnawed my lip. "I have to think about it."

He nodded acceptance. "Clear your mind, listen for the will of the Force and do what you feel is right."

'Clear your mind.' easy for Qui-Gon to say very, very hard for me to do. Sometimes I think my Master forgot I wasn't a Jedi and couldn't shut off my emotions to order! I spent the week of the festival, usually the high point of my year, hiding in my princess's chambers tortured by contradictory fears and longings.

I wanted my Anakin terribly. I'd missed him horribly - I hadn't let myself realize how much until now. But If I went back to him I'd have to accept Darth Vader too and I wasn't sure I could do that.

I saw Anakin one more time, from the balcony of the princess's reception room. The lakeside lawn was full of celebrants dancing, laughing, eating and drinking but my poor Ani stood apart from it all, trapped inside the black armor of his life support system. He looked so lonely, so bereft that I wanted to run down there and throw myself into his arms but fear and revulsion held me back.

The violence of my ambivalent feelings were tearing me apart. It wasn't his injuries - honestly it wasn't. I didn't care how he looked. The problem was what he'd become, what he'd done...Could I live with a murderer? A tyrant and oppressor even if he was my beloved Anakin underneath?

As it happened it was Princess Moriah, not the Force, who finally made up my mind for me. "You understand you will not be able to turn Anakin back." she said to me out of nowhere one evening as I was combing her hair. "I cannot see that happening."

"Me neither." I answered dispiritedly. "I had my chance on Mustafar and failed." then I burst out. "So what's the point of going back to him? What good will it do if I can't turn him back to the good side?"

"You can keep Anakin Skywalker alive, as Qui-Gon said. You are the only one who can." she replied.

"But that won't save him!"

"Of course it will. You can't bring Anakin back, Padme, but there are two who can - if he remains un-devoured."

I stopped combing. "The children!"

she nodded. "Anakin's children. In them he will be able to see himself as he once was. For them - if no one else - he will become who he was born to be."

"You've seen that? You've seen Ani saved?" I breathed hardly daring to believe.

She turned to look directly at me. "I have seen the possibility. Whether it will become reality depends on Anakin, on Luke and Leia - and on you, Padme."

I scarcely heard her. We could save him, the children and me. We could bring Anakin back to us. We could be together like the family I'd always dreamed of. Wasn't that was worth any risk?

"I'll do it." I said to Qui-Gon in the privacy of my own room later that night.

He smiled. "I knew you would. I feel you are doing right, Padme."

"So do I. But how do I go back to Anakin? I can't just walk downstairs and knock on his door!"

"No indeed. There must be nothing to connect you to Alderaan for Leia's sake, not to mention Breha and Bail's." he agreed.

"Leia." my heart twisted in my chest.

"It will be hard for you to leave her." my Master said, compassion shining in his eyes.

I scraped up a smile. "Almost as hard as not quite living with her." then shook my head wearily. "We couldn't go on like this anyway, Leia's getting old enough to wonder why she has two mothers and start asking questions."

"But not old enough to understand the answers." Qui-Gon nodded.

"Worse if she does." I said grimly. "I don't want my little girl to grow up overshadowed by secrets and afraid."

"No." he agreed very seriously. "That would be dangerous. It was fear that overthrew Anakin, we must not risk the same happening to his daughter."

I shuddered. He was right, there must be no conflicts, no hidden terrors in my children's lives. And there wouldn't be, their foster parents would see to that, although it meant I couldn't be in either of my children's lives. But I could be part of Anakin's again - if we could just figure out how.

"We must consult with Moriah, she will know the possibilities you face." Qui-Gon said.

Suddenly I remembered my princess had mentioned his name, something I had missed completely at the time. "She can see you, you can talk to her?"

His eyebrows rose. "Of course. She is my wife."

"Wife!" I gasped when I'd gotten my breath back. "Three years and neither of you bothered to mention you were married!"

My Master frowned a little, puzzled. "Why should we?"

I gave up. Jedi operate on a need to know basis - and as far as they're concerned nobody needs to know about their private lives; not even their students!


	12. Going Back

Princess Moriah was still awake, curled in the low chair at the foot of her bed apparently expecting me. Nor did she blink at the tall, faintly glowing, greenish apparition behind me - why should she, he was her husband!

Moriah watched me seat myself on a stool than said, as if continuing our previous conversation; "It would be unwise to present yourself at the Imperial palace."

Like I needed a seer to tell me that!

"Anakin has a place of his own at the edge of industrial sector 99-O, go there."

"Just walk up to the door and knock?" I asked, slightly sarcastically.

"Exactly." Moriah said calmly.

Obi-Wan's words echoed in my head; 'Vader hates you. He's glad of your death'. "What if he doesn't want me? What if he kills me or gives me to Palpatine?"

My Princess smiled faintly. "I don't see that happening, do you?"

I swallowed. "I'm not a seer."

"No," said Qui-Gon, "but you are Anakin's wife. You know him better than anybody alive. What do your feelings tell you?"

At the moment all I could feel was my stomach, roiling with the nausea of fear. I tried to imagine Anakin - Vader that is - turning on me, choking me to death or dragging me before his Emperor - and I couldn't. Maybe I was deceiving myself but I just could not see either of those things happening. And if Moriah couldn't either...

"Trust your feelings!" my Master said. "Follow your instincts. Anakin needs you Padme, you are his only hope."

"No." I said. "Our children are his hope - and ours - but I have to hold the fort for them until they're old enough to save us all."

The next morning, after breakfast, I went to Breha and Bail's quarters - to break the news. I didn't burden them with the knowledge of where I was going, I just said I was leaving for my daughter's sake.

"Surely you see we can't go on like this. Sooner or later Leia's going to start wondering why she has two mothers."

Breha, sitting next to Bail on the couch opposite, twisted the pleats of her gauzy, silver-violet sleeve in unaccustomed agitation. "That's no reason for you to go, Padme. Adoptions are common enough, many children here on Alderaan have two sets of parents."

"But those children aren't daughters of a proscribed Jedi and a supposedly dead Senator." I reminded her. "My whole reason for giving Leia up to you was to give her a new background, a safe one. By staying here I endanger that."

"I'm afraid Padme is right, my dear." Bail said heavily. "Vader's visit was only the beginning. I fear we can expect much closer ties with the Imperial court in the future."

"Don't you see, Breha, it's for my sake too." I added. "I don't want to live in fear - or my daughter to either." especially not my daughter!

The Queen looked miserable and it was easy to see part of her misery was guilt. She had been incredibly generous about letting me spend time with Leia and bond with her, but deep down she would be glad to be rid of me - to be Leia's only mother.

I didn't hold it against her, indeed I was glad of it. The more the Organas felt Leia to be their own the better for all concerned. I played my trump card. "Princess Moriah agrees this is the best course - for us all."

Bail's frown deepened. "She's foreseen danger if you stay?"

"Something like that."

"Moriah's not always right." Breha said in a last, half hearted protest.

"Maybe not," I said, "but I prefer not to take the chance."

"Where will you go?" Bail wanted to know.

I forced a smile. "I think it's best if you don't know." Definitely!

Reluctantly he nodded agreement.

Breha took a deep breath and spoke formally as a Queen. "You are our guest, not our prisoner, Padme. If you genuinely wish to go you are free to depart. But please remember, you are always welcome at our court."

"Thank you, your majesty," I said as formally. "I will."

The next farewell was harder - much harder. I went a few steps down the corridor to Leia's nursery, to say good-bye to my daughter. She was three, a pretty, plump toddler with creamy white skin, dark brown curls and my eyes who ran happily across the polished, empty floor of the big playroom to meet me. I knelt down to receive her hug squeezing back the tears. But she saw or sensed them anyway.

"Mama sad." she frowned, pulling back. "Why?"

I cleared my throat. "Because I have to go away for a while, Leia, for a very long while."

"You mean all week?" she asked naming the longest period she could think of.

I forced another smile. "Maybe even longer than that." I groped for the chain around my neck, pulled it over my head and showed her the little carved japor wood charm. "You see this Leia? It's very special, your father made it for me a long time ago. I want you to keep it safe for me, all right?"

She turned it over in her chubby fingers. "Okay!" Her bright, careless little voice echoed that of another child I'd known - her father.

I folded her little fist around the charm. "Let's keep it a secret, just between you and me."

She liked that idea and nodded violently. "Secret!" she put the chain over her head and tucked the pendant under her simple white smock.

"Our secret." I agreed. I hugged and kissed her one last time, then made myself let go.

"Threepio," I said to the golden droid hovering in the background. "I need to talk to you too."

I broke the news in a small alcove off the wide corridor. Threepio was every bit as upset as I'd feared. "A memory wipe! Oh dear, oh dear!"

"I hate to ask it, Threepio," I said, equally unhappy, "but I must. Artoo is just another astro-droid but somebody could recognize you and ask themselves what Senator Amidala's protocol droid is doing on Alderaan. And if they stole you and hooked you up to a positron-reader..." I didn't have to finish.

He shuddered. "Oh my! Yes of course, you're quite right Miss Padme. I wouldn't betray you or little Princess Leia for anything - but I am only a droid!"

"There's nothing 'only' about you Threepio." I said firmly. "But you are a droid. And there's just no way you could resist a reader, however we programmed you."

"No indeed." he agreed, and drooped a little. "But I do hate the idea of losing my memories of Master Anakin, and your ladyship and all."

"I hate it too." I hadn't realized till this moment just how much. Suddenly I couldn't bear the thought that Threepio's memories of Anakin's childhood would be lost forever. Then inspiration struck: "I have an idea. Instead of wiping your memory we'll download it into a holo-cube. Princess Moriah can keep it for us, and someday - when it's safe - we'll give them back to you."

Somehow Threepio's cast metal face managed to beam with relief. "Oh yes. Thank you, miss, that makes me feel much better."

"Me too." I said.

I flew my old skiff to Coruscant. I couldn't risk public transport or a craft that would link me to Alderaan. I felt a distinct twinge of loss as I walked out of the cargo class hanger. Whatever happened I'd never see my 'Silver Bird' again. I hoped her next owner would treat her as she deserved.

The guide droid didn't respond for a whole thirty seconds after I told it where I wanted to go. Then it said in its buzzy voice. "Lord Vader's offices? You're sure, miss?"

"Positive." I said, much more firmly than I felt.

The black uniformed officer on duty at the desk was equally taken aback. "You want a personal interview with Lord Vader?"

"Yes." I said, determination growing with every obstacle put in my path. "I am a very old friend of his lordship."

The officer seemed to have trouble believing that. "Excuse me." he called in his superior, who then called in his. I waited patiently as all three conferred in whispers behind the desk. If they kept this up long enough Anakin was likely to walk in on us!

Finally they came to a decision. "You don't object to a weapons scan?" the senior officer asked.

"Of course not."

"Very well, we will inform his lordship of your presence. What name shall I give?"

I hesitated. My real names were far to dangerous. "Say it's the girl he gave a japor wood charm to." I answered.

They showed me to a small, bare room, obviously a security holding area. Clearly Anakin didn't get many visitors. My poor, poor Ani.

I seated myself on a bench and arranged my mind for the interview to come. I didn't have much time, soon a heavy step came rapidly down the hall outside and the door slid open to frame my husband's dark, forbidding figure.

I stood up. "Hello, Anakin."

For a moment there was nothing but the rapid working of his re-breather unit then; "Palpatine said you died. There was a funeral. I've seen your tomb."

"It was a trick." I swallowed. "A trick of Obi-Wan's."

"Obi-Wan! He took you away from me?"

I nodded, my whole body clenched against his rage. "He said you would kill me, he said I had to hide."

"Where is Obi-Wan now."

I produced a faint smile. "He didn't follow me this time, Anakin. I haven't seen him in years. For all I know he could be dead."

"No. No, he is alive." Anakin said with absolute certainty. The mask tilted upward. "He is out there somewhere..." then his head came down to look at me. "How did you get away from him."

"I didn't. He left me." I let my loss and loneliness flood through me, putting a quiver in my voice. "I've been so alone, Ani. So alone. I couldn't stand it any more. I'd rather be dead than go on living without you!" genuine tears brimmed in my eyes. "Please, Anakin, please, take me back."

He took a step towards me, another, then stopped. "What are you hiding from me?"

I had expected this and was prepared. I let the tears spill over. "I was pregnant on Mustafar, Ani. I lost the baby. Oh, Anakin, I lost our son!" grief washed over me and I began to sob for Luke, and for Leia too, both lost - though not in the way I wanted Anakin to believe.

He came closer, closer. I cast myself onto his chest, snuggling my cheek into the soft leather alongside the control placket, and his arms closed carefully, almost gingerly around me.

"There will be other children, Padme, I promise." the strange voice said, shaking with Anakin's emotion. "I won't always be the wreck you see now. One day I will be whole again and we will rule the Galaxy together - forever!"

That was Vader, my Anakin had never been ambitious. I hated what I was hearing but reminded myself I wasn't here to argue with Anakin, or to try to turn him. I was here to love him. And I would go on loving him, however hard he made it, until our children came to save us both.

I tilted my head back to look up into Darth Vader's black mask. "As long as we're together." I said, knowing he would read my sincerity. "Nothing else matters, nothing at all."


End file.
